IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6.5

Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones. Why is this the case? Do you think this is a positive or a negative development?

#children #hours #smartphones #case #development
Some kids spend their time on their cell phones daily.
This
 habit comes from their curiosity which they want to explore new topics. I think the disadvantages are more than the advantages.
To begin
 with, in recent centuries, many
children
 can access data more easily rather than the kids in the past. There are many resources available for them
such
 as websites, smartphones, TVs, and other media. These days many
children
 are using cell phones at early ages. It is hard for
parents
 to monitor them constantly because the internet provides great facilities for people to explore everywhere through browsers.
For example
, at present, many online games provide a situation for
children
 to play with friends and chat with them at the same time. Meanwhile, each game has advertisements to support the games but some advertisements are offensive and they are not appropriate for them.
Thus
, at least
parents
 should accompany them and make a good connection with their
children
.
Besides
, they should set parental control on their smartphones to observe them more. Regarding the negative points, by using smartphones too much,
children
 become more isolated in the long term and they do not tend to participate in their friends’ groups.
Moreover
, they will be lazy and cannot focus on their lesson their behaviour will change and they separated from physical activities.
Nevertheless
, there are some benefits for them like engaging with educational apps and sharing their assignments with their tutors, but the drawbacks are more and their
parents
 should have a plan to manage
this
 issue.
To sum up
, some kids spend hours on their mobile phones every day.
This
 causes harmful effects for them and
parents
 should be aware to monitor them and try to encourage them to do physical activities and make relationships with their friends.
Submitted by brightstargalaxy on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Try to elaborate more on the reasons why children spend so much time on their smartphones. Adding more detailed explanations or examples will make the argument stronger.
coherence cohesion
Make sure all main points are coherently connected and supported. Use linking words and phrases more effectively to guide the reader through your essay.
introduction conclusion present
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, making it easy for the reader to follow the argument.
complete response
The essay addresses both parts of the question by discussing why children spend time on smartphones and whether it is a positive or negative development.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • smartphones
  • usage
  • technology
  • accessibility
  • convenience
  • entertainment
  • gaming
  • social media
  • communication
  • educational resources
  • addiction
  • dependence
  • negative effects
  • physical health
  • mental health
What to do next:
Look at other essays: