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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Some people think that the Olympic Games is an exciting event and can bring nations together. Others, however, think that it is a waste of money. Discuss both views and give your own opinion

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Some
people
Use synonyms
 believe that the
Olympic
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games
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 are an amazing event which brings countries together.
While
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 other says that ,it is a waste of
money
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 .
Although
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 the government
spend
Wrong verb form
spent
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 a lot of
money
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 in order to organise
this
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 event , I agree that it makes the connection strong between different cultures and helps in the employment sector
also
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. On the one hand , many individuals believe that the
Olympic
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Games
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 are a total waste of
money
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 because the government organise
this
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 event in which they spend
the
Correct article usage
a
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 heavy sum of
money
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 on infrastructure
as well as
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 types of equipment like lights ,refreshments etc , which leads to the depletion of natural resources
as well as
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 spend heavy
money
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 for other player housing arrangements .
Therefore
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,
instead
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 of utilising
money
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 on useful resources like the advancement in technology and in the health service sector would benefit in the future .
Although
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,
Remove the comma
apply
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a lot of
money
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 was spent on the
Olympic
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games
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 after a few years ,
i
Change the capitalization
I
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 believe that it brings
people
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 closer and provides more benefits too.
On the other hand
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 ,
people
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 think that the
Olympic
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games
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 provide an opportunity for men and women to engage in the game and build connections with different religions of
people
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 . These events provide an opportunity for
people
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 to explore other nations and understand their beliefs and,
aas
Correct your spelling
as
 a result, build strong connections with them which would benefit the economy of the countries.
For example
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 , there are a number of
people
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 who travel across the country in order to watch the Olympics live in a stadium
as well as
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 explore other places , which helps in the development of the country ,especially, in the tourism sector .
Therefore
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 , these
games
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 build strong relationships which might
last
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 longer. In conclusion,
Although
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 some say that the
Olympic
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games
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 are
waste
Correct article usage
a waste
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 of
money
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 , I disagree with
an
Correct article usage
the
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 above point because they bring
people
Use synonyms
 close to each other and these events create various pathways for employment.

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grammar
Work on a few grammatical errors. For instance, "On the other hand , people think" should be "On the other hand, people think," and "instead of utilising money on useful resources" could be better written as "instead of utilizing money on other essential resources."
clarity
Make sure to clarify points more explicitly and avoid repetition. For instance, "Therefore, these games build strong relationships which might last longer" is quite similar to what was mentioned in the preceding sentences.
introduction
The introduction clearly states the intent to discuss both viewpoints and the writer's opinion.
balanced argument
The essay presents balanced arguments for both perspectives and provides examples to support them.
conclusion
The conclusion effectively sums up the writer's stance and re-emphasizes the main reasons for their opinion.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • promoting peace
  • unity
  • sportsmanship
  • global stage
  • mutual respect
  • understanding
  • boosts the economy
  • host city
  • tourism
  • infrastructure development
  • global media exposure
  • financial burden
  • ROI (Return on Investment)
  • debt
  • pressing social issues
  • poverty
  • education
  • healthcare
  • legacy
  • long-term health benefits
  • white elephants
  • expensive stadiums
  • facilities
  • post-Games
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