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Writing Samples
Band 5

In some countries the average weight of people is increasing and their levels of fitness are decreasing. what do you think are the cause of these problems and what measures could be taken to solve them?

#countries #weight #people #levels #fitness #measures
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There is no doubt that technology has revolutionized our world in
a
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both positive and negative manner. One of the adverse effects is obesity,
people
 gaining excess weight is a major concern in some parts of the world. First and foremost, earlier
people
 tend to do all their work manually with traditional methods.
However
, in recent times
people
 have become tech-savvy. Though the traditional methods are outdated as of now,
but
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manual work always
keep
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keeps
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 a person healthy and fit. Modernization and technological advancement have made
people
 lethargic.
Consequently
,
people
 are becoming obese these days easily.
Moreover
, to live a high standard of living is the most passionate goal of
people
 nowadays.
This
 results primary focus of
people
's lives being earning money only but not their
health
.
On the contrary
, if
people
 majorly focus on their
health
along with
 their work life, it can reduce the obesity rates of a country.
Additionally
,
people
 should not use fitness as a fashion but as a part of their disciplined lifestyle. Becoming
a
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tech-savvy is not a problem,
however
, becoming a slave of technology is something that creates many
health
 problems.
Also
,
health related
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health-related
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 awareness campaigns should be promoted and
this
 can provide substantial results
mitigating
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in mitigating
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health
 issues. The government should
also
 take some initiative in
such
 cases to promote
health
 and fitness.
Health
 trainers should be
a
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paid handsome
amount
Fix the agreement mistake
amounts
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 of salary so they can motivate as much as
people
 they can.
To conclude
, adaptability is a good sign of personality,
however
Add a comma
however,
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 the chief aspect of life is
health
. As it is always said
health
 is wealth. So, the primary focus of
people
 should not be money making, but living a healthy lifestyle should be.
Submitted by simranjit2598 on

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task achievement
Provide more specific examples to support your points. Mentioning specific activities or studies can help strengthen your argument.
task achievement
Work on the clarity of some ideas. Ensure each paragraph focuses on a single point and that your points are expressed more clearly.
coherence and cohesion
For better coherence, ensure each paragraph flows logically to the next. For instance, transitions and linking words could help guide the reader through your argument better.
coherence and cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are clear and effectively frame your argument.
task achievement
You adequately addressed the task, discussing both causes and solutions for obesity and decreasing fitness levels.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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