In some countries the average weight of people is increasing and their levels of fitness are decreasing. what do you think are the cause of these problems and what measures could be taken to solve them?
There is no doubt that technology has revolutionized our world in
a
both positive and negative manner. One of the adverse effects is obesity, Remove the article
apply
people
gaining excess weight is a major concern in some parts of the world.
First and foremost, earlier people
tend to do all their work manually with traditional methods. However
, in recent times people
have become tech-savvy. Though the traditional methods are outdated as of now, but
manual work always Remove the conjunction
apply
keep
a person healthy and fit. Modernization and technological advancement have made Change the verb form
keeps
people
lethargic. Consequently
, people
are becoming obese these days easily. Moreover
, to live a high standard of living is the most passionate goal of people
nowadays. This
results primary focus of people
's lives being earning money only but not their health
.
On the contrary
, if people
majorly focus on their health
along with
their work life, it can reduce the obesity rates of a country. Additionally
, people
should not use fitness as a fashion but as a part of their disciplined lifestyle. Becoming a
tech-savvy is not a problem, Correct article usage
apply
however
, becoming a slave of technology is something that creates many health
problems. Also
, health related
awareness campaigns should be promoted and Add a hyphen
health-related
this
can provide substantial results mitigating
Change preposition
in mitigating
health
issues. The government should also
take some initiative in such
cases to promote health
and fitness. Health
trainers should be a
paid handsome Correct article usage
apply
amount
of salary so they can motivate as much as Fix the agreement mistake
amounts
people
they can.
To conclude
, adaptability is a good sign of personality, however
the chief aspect of life is Add a comma
however,
health
. As it is always said health
is wealth. So, the primary focus of people
should not be money making, but living a healthy lifestyle should be.Submitted by simranjit2598 on
Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
task achievement
Provide more specific examples to support your points. Mentioning specific activities or studies can help strengthen your argument.
task achievement
Work on the clarity of some ideas. Ensure each paragraph focuses on a single point and that your points are expressed more clearly.
coherence and cohesion
For better coherence, ensure each paragraph flows logically to the next. For instance, transitions and linking words could help guide the reader through your argument better.
coherence and cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are clear and effectively frame your argument.
task achievement
You adequately addressed the task, discussing both causes and solutions for obesity and decreasing fitness levels.
Fully explain your ideas
To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).
For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:
- Paragraph 1 - Introduction
- Sentence 1 - Background statement
- Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
- Sentence 3 - Thesis
- Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
- Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
- Sentence 1 - Summary
- Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
- Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation
Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.
Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+
Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!