Many people nowadays spend a large part most their free time using a smartphone. What do you think are the reasons for this? Do you think this is a positive or a negative development?
In
this
day and age, humans prefer to spend their leisure time with their phones. I believe this
issue is caused by the rapid acceleration of technology and the fact that people
are gradually more dependent on it. Moreover
, these changes are good because smartphones help people
detach from routines. However
, the downfall is that individuals begin to lack hobbies.
Some may think that the appearance of gadgets on the market revolutionized the world for the better. Additionally
, the virtual world created on the screen helps people
vanish from their real-life problems, from
their surroundings and gives them some moments of peace. Correct word choice
and from
For instance
, “Tik Tok
” is one of the most popular applications. Correct your spelling
TikTok
This
is because, contrary to other apps such
as “YouTube”, its role is to never let the audience get bored. So, “Tik Tok” shows short, funnyand
inspirational videos which only Correct your spelling
funny and
last
a few seconds, but give an enormous energy boost. Overall
, smartphones ensure a short trip into the virtual world which is well-needed sometimes.
Others may think that gadgets are an addiction for today's society. A reason for that might be the fact that some users get so caught up in virtual reality, that they forget about the one they actually live in. Hobbies begin to disappear and, together with
them, people
begin to lack identities. For example
, there are multiple cases of children with severe anger issues that do not have life experience. If they do not have adequate screen time, kids become bored fast and eventually find it hard to fit with
their other peers.
In conclusion, I believe any type of excess is bad for society’s mental health. Phones can represent a good leisure activityChange preposition
in with
,
if a certain screen time is respected. Remove the comma
apply
Otherwise
it can lead to serious Add a comma
Otherwise,
conseqences
.Correct your spelling
consequences
Submitted by acaitaz on
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task achievement
Ensure that ideas are fully explained and not just mentioned briefly. For example, further elaborate on how smartphones help people detach from routines.
task achievement
Add a few more relevant examples to support your points. This will make your essay more persuasive and comprehensive.
coherence and cohesion
Ensure that all sentences flow logically from one to the next. While your essay is generally cohesive, there are a few minor areas where transitions could be smoother.
coherence and cohesion
Strong introduction and conclusion that clearly frame your argument.
coherence and cohesion
Main points are supported with relevant specific examples, like the mention of Tik Tok.
task achievement
The essay addresses both parts of the task effectively, discussing reasons for smartphone use and its positive and negative impacts.