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Band 5.5

Advertising is all around us; it is an unavoidable part of everyone’ life. Some people say that advertising is a positive part of our lives. To what extent do you agree or disagree?/

#part #everyone’ #life #people #lives
Advertisement
 plays a more significant role in
people
's lives with its rapid increase in modern society. It is often believed that it has a positive impact on them. I partially support
this
 view, for it promotes a more satisfactory lifestyle regardless of the potential negative effect on their emotions. On the one hand, the prevalence of
advertisement
Fix the agreement mistake
advertisements
show examples
 is beneficial to
people
 since it encourages them to purchase wider choices of products, which
facilitate
Correct subject-verb agreement
facilitates
show examples
 their lives.
In other words
, posters and TV commercials recommend various merchandise, from which consumers gain more comfort and convenience, leading to a rise in their satisfaction.
For instance
, an automatic cleaner called "
rumba
Capitalize word
Rumba
show examples
" allows users to save time and energy as it can remove any tiny dust from a floor on its own, providing them with more free time.
Therefore
,
such
 random
advertisement
 improves their lives by raising their awareness of recent products, encouraging them to give
it
Correct pronoun usage
them
show examples
 a try.
On the other hand
, a flood of
advertisement
Fix the agreement mistake
advertisements
show examples
 in daily life has an
unfavorable
Change the spelling
unfavourable
show examples
 effect on
people
, who are often annoyed by it. Indeed, they are more likely to increase frustration as it has become almost impossible for them to avoid it.
Furthermore
, the frequent exposure to
advertisement
Fix the agreement mistake
advertisements
show examples
 even reduces their attention to work and study, making
people
 disappointed by their poor performance.
Thus
, the increase
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
advertisement
Fix the agreement mistake
advertisements
show examples
 has a damaging influence on them
due to
 the sudden interruption. In conclusion, I somewhat believe that the rapid rise in
advertisement
 is advantageous as it introduces various useful products, which allow consumers to save time and energy.
However
, it
also
 distracts their attention when they are dealing with serious tasks, making them more frustrated.
Submitted by mizuho on

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Coherence and Cohesion
Work on varying sentence structures for better engagement and flow in your writing.
Task Achievement
Ensure each paragraph is fully developed with examples and explanations for clarity.
Task Achievement
Clear thesis statement stating partial agreement with the prompt.
Coherence and Cohesion
Logical progression of ideas with the clear beginning, middle, and end.
Task Achievement
Relevant and specific example of 'rumba' to support the point about advertisements introducing useful products.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • informative
  • engages
  • creative
  • art form
  • consumerism
  • materialism
  • misleading
  • exaggerating
  • vulnerable
  • unrealistic
  • body image expectations
  • competitive
  • economical
  • targeted ads
  • personalized ads
  • intrusive
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