The position of women in society has changed markedly in the last twenty years. Many of the problems young people now experience, such as juvenile delinquency, arise from the fact that many married women now work and are not at home to care for their children. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?
Recently, many
women
have been spending their Use synonyms
time
at jobs outside of the Use synonyms
home
. Use synonyms
Women
who spend more Use synonyms
time
might earn more money to assist the family financially, but they may not get enough Use synonyms
time
for their Use synonyms
kids
to teach positive behaviours.
There are several reasons why Use synonyms
women
should spend their Use synonyms
time
with their Use synonyms
kids
in order to reduce Use synonyms
kids
' crime. Use synonyms
Firstly
, young people who spend more Linking Words
time
with their mother might develop good Use synonyms
behaviour
. Use synonyms
For instance
, Linking Words
mothers
who stay at Use synonyms
home
might tell their Use synonyms
kids
how to respect their eldersUse synonyms
,
and the importance of being kind to others and themselves. A recent study in Canada showed that Remove the comma
apply
kids
who stay with their Use synonyms
parents
are more likely to develop positive behaviours than Use synonyms
kids
whose Use synonyms
parents
work outside Use synonyms
Use synonyms
home
. The authors postulated that those Correct article usage
the home
parents
, particularly Use synonyms
mothers
, stayed at Use synonyms
home
Use synonyms
taught
their Correct word choice
and taught
kids
about the consequences of crimes. Use synonyms
Secondly
, Linking Words
mothers
who are not working may get Use synonyms
time
to read religious books to their Use synonyms
kids
, which can teach them good Use synonyms
behaviour
. Use synonyms
For example
, Linking Words
mothers
may select a story from the bible that Use synonyms
had
a good character. Wrong verb form
has
Therefore
, children might want to be the person they read in the book. Linking Words
Finally
, Linking Words
mothers
who have no job outside the Use synonyms
home
can have Use synonyms
time
to follow up on their Use synonyms
kids
at Use synonyms
home
Use synonyms
as well as
at school. Linking Words
For instance
, they might know the kid’s friends in the school, and they can have the opportunity to see the behaviours of their friends. Linking Words
In addition
, the Linking Words
mothers
can easily follow what kind of movies their Use synonyms
kids
watch at Use synonyms
home
. Use synonyms
This
will help Linking Words
parents
to teach Use synonyms
kids
about violent movies, which may provoke Use synonyms
kids
to do the same.
Use synonyms
On the other hand
, the responsibilities of the Linking Words
kids
need to be for both Use synonyms
parents
Use synonyms
as well as
government and celebrities. The government should include offences in the school curricula in order to reduce the risk of teenage crimes. Celebrities like athletes, football players, Linking Words
musicians
, Correct word choice
and musicians
needs
Change the verb form
need
also
to be role models because most Linking Words
kids
follow them as role models. Use synonyms
Moreover
, the community or society where the Linking Words
kids
live should show positive Use synonyms
behaviour
to reduce the risk of young people’s felonies. Most people imitate the Use synonyms
behaviour
of the community.
In conclusion, many Use synonyms
women
have been spending more Use synonyms
time
in Use synonyms
workplace
. Add an article
the workplace
As a result
, some people believe that they should stay at Linking Words
home
with their Use synonyms
kids
to decrease teenage offences.Use synonyms
Submitted by ttesfalove on
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coherence cohesion
Try refining the introduction to better set the context for your argument. Currently, it jumps a bit too quickly into the issue without fully introducing the topic.
coherence cohesion
The conclusion could be strengthened by summarizing the main points discussed in the essay, instead of just restating that women are spending more time in the workplace.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that the points about the responsibility of governments, celebrities, and society are more tightly linked to the main argument about the role of mothers at home. This will help in maintaining coherence throughout the essay.
task achievement
Watch out for minor grammatical errors and awkward phrasing. Improving sentence structure can enhance readability and clarity.
coherence cohesion
The essay provides a clear thesis statement and sticks to it throughout the response, making it easy to follow the main argument.
task achievement
The essay includes relevant examples, such as the study from Canada, to support the main points.
Your opinion
Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.
If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.
Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.
Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:
...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?