The position of women in society has changed markedly in the last twenty years. Many of the problems young people now experience, such as juvenile delinquency, arise from the fact that many married women now work and are not at home to care for their children. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?
Recently, many
women
have been spending their time
at jobs outside of the home
. Women
who spend more time
might earn more money to assist the family financially, but they may not get enough time
for their kids
to teach positive behaviours.
There are several reasons why women
should spend their time
with their kids
in order to reduce kids
' crime. Firstly
, young people who spend more time
with their mother might develop good behaviour
. For instance
, mothers
who stay at home
might tell their kids
how to respect their elders,
and the importance of being kind to others and themselves. A recent study in Canada showed that Remove the comma
apply
kids
who stay with their parents
are more likely to develop positive behaviours than kids
whose parents
work outside home
. The authors postulated that those Correct article usage
the home
parents
, particularly mothers
, stayed at home
taught
their Correct word choice
and taught
kids
about the consequences of crimes. Secondly
, mothers
who are not working may get time
to read religious books to their kids
, which can teach them good behaviour
. For example
, mothers
may select a story from the bible that had
a good character. Wrong verb form
has
Therefore
, children might want to be the person they read in the book. Finally
, mothers
who have no job outside the home
can have time
to follow up on their kids
at home
as well as
at school. For instance
, they might know the kid’s friends in the school, and they can have the opportunity to see the behaviours of their friends. In addition
, the mothers
can easily follow what kind of movies their kids
watch at home
. This
will help parents
to teach kids
about violent movies, which may provoke kids
to do the same.
On the other hand
, the responsibilities of the kids
need to be for both parents
as well as
government and celebrities. The government should include offences in the school curricula in order to reduce the risk of teenage crimes. Celebrities like athletes, football players, musicians
, Correct word choice
and musicians
needs
Change the verb form
need
also
to be role models because most kids
follow them as role models. Moreover
, the community or society where the kids
live should show positive behaviour
to reduce the risk of young people’s felonies. Most people imitate the behaviour
of the community.
In conclusion, many women
have been spending more time
in workplace
. Add an article
the workplace
As a result
, some people believe that they should stay at home
with their kids
to decrease teenage offences.Submitted by ttesfalove on
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coherence cohesion
Try refining the introduction to better set the context for your argument. Currently, it jumps a bit too quickly into the issue without fully introducing the topic.
coherence cohesion
The conclusion could be strengthened by summarizing the main points discussed in the essay, instead of just restating that women are spending more time in the workplace.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that the points about the responsibility of governments, celebrities, and society are more tightly linked to the main argument about the role of mothers at home. This will help in maintaining coherence throughout the essay.
task achievement
Watch out for minor grammatical errors and awkward phrasing. Improving sentence structure can enhance readability and clarity.
coherence cohesion
The essay provides a clear thesis statement and sticks to it throughout the response, making it easy to follow the main argument.
task achievement
The essay includes relevant examples, such as the study from Canada, to support the main points.
Your opinion
Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.
If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.
Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.
Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:
...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?