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Writing Samples
Band 6

The position of women in society has changed markedly in the last twenty years. Many of the problems young people now experience, such as juvenile delinquency, arise from the fact that many married women now work and are not at home to care for their children. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

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Recently, many
women
Use synonyms
 have been spending their
time
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 at jobs outside of the
home
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.
Women
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 who spend more
time
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 might earn more money to assist the family financially, but they may not get enough
time
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 for their
kids
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 to teach positive behaviours. There are several reasons why
women
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 should spend their
time
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 with their
kids
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 in order to reduce
kids
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' crime.
Firstly
Linking Words
, young people who spend more
time
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 with their mother might develop good
behaviour
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.
For instance
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,
mothers
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 who stay at
home
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 might tell their
kids
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 how to respect their elders
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 and the importance of being kind to others and themselves. A recent study in Canada showed that
kids
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 who stay with their
parents
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 are more likely to develop positive behaviours than
kids
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 whose
parents
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 work outside
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home
Correct article usage
the home
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. The authors postulated that those
parents
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, particularly
mothers
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, stayed at
home
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taught
Correct word choice
and taught
show examples
 their
kids
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 about the consequences of crimes.
Secondly
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,
mothers
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 who are not working may get
time
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 to read religious books to their
kids
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, which can teach them good
behaviour
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.
For example
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,
mothers
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 may select a story from the bible that
had
Wrong verb form
has
show examples
 a good character.
Therefore
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, children might want to be the person they read in the book.
Finally
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,
mothers
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 who have no job outside the
home
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 can have
time
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 to follow up on their
kids
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 at
home
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as well as
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 at school.
For instance
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, they might know the kid’s friends in the school, and they can have the opportunity to see the behaviours of their friends.
In addition
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, the
mothers
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 can easily follow what kind of movies their
kids
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 watch at
home
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.
This
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 will help
parents
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 to teach
kids
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 about violent movies, which may provoke
kids
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 to do the same.
On the other hand
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, the responsibilities of the
kids
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 need to be for both
parents
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as well as
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 government and celebrities. The government should include offences in the school curricula in order to reduce the risk of teenage crimes. Celebrities like athletes, football players,
musicians
Correct word choice
and musicians
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,
needs
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need
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also
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 to be role models because most
kids
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 follow them as role models.
Moreover
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, the community or society where the
kids
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 live should show positive
behaviour
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 to reduce the risk of young people’s felonies. Most people imitate the
behaviour
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 of the community. In conclusion, many
women
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 have been spending more
time
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 in
workplace
Add an article
the workplace
show examples
.
As a result
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, some people believe that they should stay at
home
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 with their
kids
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 to decrease teenage offences.

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coherence cohesion
Try refining the introduction to better set the context for your argument. Currently, it jumps a bit too quickly into the issue without fully introducing the topic.
coherence cohesion
The conclusion could be strengthened by summarizing the main points discussed in the essay, instead of just restating that women are spending more time in the workplace.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that the points about the responsibility of governments, celebrities, and society are more tightly linked to the main argument about the role of mothers at home. This will help in maintaining coherence throughout the essay.
task achievement
Watch out for minor grammatical errors and awkward phrasing. Improving sentence structure can enhance readability and clarity.
coherence cohesion
The essay provides a clear thesis statement and sticks to it throughout the response, making it easy to follow the main argument.
task achievement
The essay includes relevant examples, such as the study from Canada, to support the main points.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • evolution
  • domestic roles
  • diverse professional engagements
  • dual-working parents
  • family dynamics
  • juvenile delinquency
  • societal and economic factors
  • dual-income households
  • childcare methods
  • community support systems
  • gender roles
  • family responsibilities
  • professional aspirations
  • development needs
  • correlation
  • simplistic causation
  • workplace policies
  • flexible hours
  • parental leave
  • gender equality
  • role models
  • successful womanhood
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