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Band 5.5

Some people find it difficult to manage their money . How could the government help prevent debt problems and support such people?

#people #money #government #debt #support
Nowadays,
money
 management is important; yet most of them cannot control their
money
 income and outcomes.
Therefore
, they tend to borrow
money
 and lead to
debt
 problems . Since these issues have become a trend; in my view, governments need to solve them for some reasons that are set out below.
Firstly
, governments need to fix the human intelligence itself;
hence
 the root of
this
 problem is their lack of ability to manage the financial cycle. They can open communal sharing regarding the technique to manage it.
Therefore
, some of them will realize their mistakes, and they will change their habits in the future. Yet, there is still a chance that some of them will be bound by the
debt
 issues,
however
Add a comma
however,
show examples
 if the solution is well implemented
then
 it will help the citizens to get out
from
Change preposition
of
show examples
this
 matter.
In addition
, the government can decrease the tax paid by small-income workers and companies to boost the financial cycle for both governments and folks. After all,
this
 approach will reduce their prolonged debts;
hence
, when they already
pay for
Wrong verb form
paid
show examples
 their debts, they can request
for
Change preposition
apply
show examples
another loan if needed. But,
this
 will lead to people who are in mid and
high-income
Correct your spelling
high income
show examples
 make fake reports to get the same benefits.
Finally
, they can put more strict regulations to handle debts.
For instance
, they can reduce the limit of the
money
 that can be borrowed.
Therefore
,
this
 approach will put down the problems to some point;
consequently
, they cannot create a huge
debt
 anymore. On the other side,
this
 act will make them lose interest in borrowing
money
 and reduce the income of the government in receiving interest. In conclusion, the government can put more strict regulations, decrease the term fee for some people from low to
mid income
Add a hyphen
mid-income
show examples
, and advertise management knowledge to extinguish the
debt
 problems with ease to fix
this
 condition.
Submitted by riani.the2 on

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task achievement
Your essay responds to the prompt and explores several ways the government can help manage debt issues. However, to improve your score, consider providing more detailed and specific examples or case studies to support your claims.
coherence cohesion
Your essay generally maintains a logical structure, but some parts could be more coherently connected. For instance, ensure that each paragraph seamlessly flows into the next one. Use more transition words and phrases to guide the reader through your arguments.
task achievement
While your main points are clear, some of your arguments could benefit from further development and elaboration. Aim to delve deeper into each solution provided to show a more comprehensive understanding.
introduction conclusion present
Your introduction clearly sets out the topic and your opinion, making it easy for the reader to understand the purpose of the essay.
introduction conclusion present
The essay concludes effectively by summarizing the main points discussed and providing a general solution to the problem posed in the prompt.
logical structure
Each paragraph focuses on a distinct argument, helping to structure the essay and making it easier for the reader to follow your line of reasoning.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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