IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 7

Some people think that poverty is the reason for most crimes. Do you agree or disagree?

#people #poverty #reason #crimes
Poverty
 is an increasing problem that affects both, developing and developed nations and many people believe that it is because of
this
 that the crime rate is increasing.
Although
poverty
 plays a role in it, it is not solely responsible. I will substantiate my reasoning in the course of
this
 essay. As mentioned earlier,
Poverty
 is something that affects all nations, and because of
this
, there are sections of society that resort to crimes
such
 as theft and pickpocketing to earn a living. To make matters worse, others prey on the desperation of the poor, to achieve their personal goals.
For example
, in South Africa, rival factions control the streets of the major cities and they resort to drug smuggling, extortion, and other misdemeanours to get by.
However
,
poverty
 is not the only cause
for
Change preposition
of
show examples
 criminal activity. Many of the online crimes, committed are done by professionals who wish to either bring down a company or rob major corporations of their millions, for easy cash.
For example
, a couple of months ago, Russian cyber gangs targeted major corporations demanding $70 million in Bitcoin.
Furthermore
, the influential members of society
also
 participate in
this
 activity, not only for the lure of easy cash but
also
 because they are aware that they can get away with it. An example of
this
 would be the gold smuggling cases which occurred in Trivandrum at the beginning of the year. In conclusion,
Poverty
 cannot be solely pegged as the main cause of criminal activity.
Instead
, it is the lure of instant rewards that leads an individual down
this
 road, and I believe
this
 is the main reason for the increase in crime.
Submitted by Nigelvictorlawrence on

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Coherence and Cohesion
Ensure that your essay has a clear and logical structure, with well-defined paragraphs that each focus on a singular idea related to the prompt. Your introduction and conclusion were present but could be more precise and direct with respect to the question. Consider refining your thesis statement and summarizing your points more coherently in the conclusion.
Task Achievement
You did provide a completed response with clear ideas and examples, but it lacked depth and did not address the prompt fully from both perspectives. The prompt calls for a discussion on whether poverty is the primary reason for most crimes followed by a personal stance. Consider developing both sides of the argument more equally and offering a more nuanced personal opinion.
Lexical Resource
You demonstrated a good range of vocabulary. However, you could enhance your essay by using a wider variety of sentence structures and incorporating more complex language features, such as conditionals and modal verbs, to articulate the nuances of your argument.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
Your essay showed an adequate grasp of grammar, but for a higher score, aim to showcase a wider grammatical range with complex sentence constructions and varied punctuation. This could involve the use of more complex clauses and varied grammatical forms to add fluency and complexity to your writing.
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