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Band 4.5

computers are being used more and more in education . some people say that this is a posetive trend, while othes arguue that it is leading to negeative consequence discuss bothview and give your opinion

#computers #education #people #posetive #trend #othes #arguue #negeative #consequence #bothview
Without
adoubt
Correct your spelling
a doubt
doubt
,
computers
, in recent decades, have played a crucial role in our life.
However
,
while
 some
indiviuals
Correct your spelling
individuals
 believe that
this
 is a
benefical
Correct your spelling
beneficial
 change, I agree with those who argue that using
computers
 has
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
determental
Correct your spelling
detrimental
 outcomes because it
effects
Correct your spelling
affects
show examples
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
both physical and mental health. On the one hand, it could be argued that being able to
use
 devices like
computers
 has
advaned
Correct your spelling
advanced
 our education in
cetain
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certain
 respects. The
greates
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greatest
 benefit is that when some
ultilize
Correct your spelling
utilise
computer
Fix the agreement mistake
computers
show examples
 in
educatio
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education
,they can work at
best
Add an article
the best
show examples
 company in the world since by using
comuters
Correct your spelling
computers
, they can easily access
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
top-ranked
unvierity
Correct your spelling
university
, and taking online
couses
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courses
 would help them to improve their resume, so once they
grauduate
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graduate
, they have a chance to hire at
Add an article
the well
show examples
well known
Add a hyphen
well-known
show examples
 company around the world by
sumbitting
Correct your spelling
submitting
 their Cv.
Secondly
, it seems that
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
computers
 are
convient
Correct your spelling
convenient
.
For instance
,
instead
 of different books that ought to
buy
Wrong verb form
be bought
show examples
, they can
use
 their
comuprte
Correct your spelling
computer
, so they
are not worry
Change the verb form
are not worried
show examples
 about which books should they buy, as material usage
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
avaiable
Correct your spelling
available
 for them
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 their computer whenever they want.
However
, I think that there are arguments to show that
comuters
Correct your spelling
computers
commuters
 have a negative
impcat
Correct your spelling
impact
 on education. One issue is that if people
use
computers
, their eyes get
dries
Replace the word
dry
show examples
.
For example
, I had an
experince
Correct your spelling
experience
 when I was
studyin
Correct your spelling
studying
 for a Tofel exam my eyes
werer
Correct your spelling
were
dired
Correct your spelling
dried
, and a doctor advised me to
use
eye-drops
Correct your spelling
eye drops
show examples
. Even worse, in my opinion, people can lose their
fouce
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force
focus
 on
subject
Add an article
the subject
show examples
due to
 the fact that they might get
distrubtes
Correct your spelling
distracted
 by other sites or
application
Fix the agreement mistake
applications
show examples
. The most damaging aspect is cost. Some,
for example
, live in
Add an article
the low-incom
a low-incom
show examples
low-incom
Correct your spelling
low-income
 family can not afford to buy
comuters
Correct your spelling
computers
commuters
 for their
accademic
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academic
 goal. As
aresult
Correct your spelling
a result
, they get disappointed to follow their education. To
sume
Correct your spelling
sum
 up,
althogh
Correct your spelling
although
 it is undeniable that
comuters
Correct your spelling
computers
commuters
 help people to secure better
carrer
Correct your spelling
careers
 for themselves, it has
effect
Add an article
an effect
show examples
 on
family
Fix the agreement mistake
families
show examples
 who suffer from
fincial
Correct your spelling
financial
situation
Fix the agreement mistake
situations
show examples
.
Therefore
, on balance, I
belive
Correct your spelling
believe
show examples
 that
computers
 are
importain
Correct your spelling
important
 that we can not
ignor
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ignore
.
Submitted by yektashahryari on

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spelling
Work on improving your spelling and typing accuracy. Errors such as 'determental' instead of 'detrimental', 'effects' instead of 'affects', and 'dried' instead of 'dry' can be distracting for the reader and lower your score.
introduction
The introduction could be clearer and more concise. Consider briefly mentioning both viewpoints without extensive explanation, and then state your opinion clearly.
coherence
Enhance the use of linking words and transitional phrases to improve the logical structure and flow of your arguments. Phrases like 'on the other hand' are useful but using a variety can make your essay more engaging.
supporting examples
Your essay could benefit from more detailed and specific examples to support the points made. For instance, you could provide more figures or studies when discussing the health effects of computers.
conclusion
Develop the conclusion by summarizing the main arguments more effectively and restating your opinion clearly. Make sure it encapsulates the whole essay and doesn't introduce new points.
task response
The essay addresses both sides of the argument, which is crucial for this type of task. You have provided reasoning for both perspectives and your own opinion.
clarity
Clear ideas are presented in each paragraph, demonstrating an organized approach to each point of view and your own stance.
coherence
You have made a good attempt to use transitional phrases such as 'on the one hand,' 'however,' and 'even worse,' which helps to guide the reader through your argument.
task response
Acknowledging the financial burden on low-income families adds depth to the discussion of the negative aspects of computer use in education.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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