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Band 6

The number of older people is increasing. Some people think this is causing problems in their countries while others feel that older people play an important role in society. Discuss both views and give your opinion

#people #countries #role #society
In recent times,
people
 are getting older than ever before. It is often argued that
this
 trend brings about some issues,
while
 others believe the role of the elderly is irreplaceable.
Although
this
 will inevitably lead to higher healthcare costs, it is my firm belief that the assistance of older
people
 significantly
contribute
Change the verb form
contributes
show examples
 to our
society
.
To begin
 with, a growing population of
people
 aged 65 or older will cause the costs of
health
Correct your spelling
healthcare
show examples
care
 providers to rise.
This
 is simply because
people
 at
this
 stage in life are prone to become ill more often. As they grow older, they will need frequent medical supervision or specific treatments, which have proven to be expensive.
Therefore
, it is only natural that
health
Correct your spelling
healthcare
show examples
care
 providers are forced to adjust their
prizes
Correct your spelling
prices
show examples
, in order to cope with the increasing demand. Despite
this
, a healthy and
consequently
 functioning
society
 is more important than
health
care
 expenditure.
However
, the population of elderly
people
 can be an asset to every
society
. If
people
 live longer, they will be able to contribute more to communities.
That is
 to say, even after retirement they can spend money as a customer, which fosters the economy, or provide supervision for their grandchildren.
For example
, many families in Germany decide to live in a multi-generational house, as the grandparents are able to look after the young children,
while
 both parents are offered to continue to work.
Thus
, giving back to
society
 is dramatically more important than having to pay more money to maintain one's
health
. In conclusion,
this
 essay has shown that a population that consists of a large number of elderly
people
 can cause drawbacks,
such
 as higher
health
Correct your spelling
healthcare
show examples
care
 costs.
Nevertheless
, the role of
people
 at the age of retirement should be valued
in particular
 because they are of great magnitude for
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society
.
Submitted by philipp_becker on

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task achievement
Your response covers both views as required and presents a clear, personal opinion. To further improve, try to include a greater variety of specific examples to provide a more comprehensive argument.
coherence cohesion
The essay is logically structured, with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. To enhance coherence, consider using more linking phrases to create smoother transitions between ideas.
coherence cohesion
Your main points are well-supported, but expanding on certain points with more detailed evidence would strengthen your argument.
introduction conclusion present
The essay has a clear and concise introduction that sets up the discussion effectively.
introduction conclusion present
The conclusion effectively summarizes the main points and restates the personal opinion, contributing to a strong finish.
task achievement
The essay addresses both views and provides a balanced discussion with a clear personal opinion.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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  • Use simple words and lack vocabulary.
  • Feel nervous and anxious when speaking.
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