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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The chart shows British Emigration to selected destinations between 2004 and 2007

The chart shows British Emigration to selected destinations between 2004 and 2007
The bar charts show the number of British
people
Use synonyms
 who emigrated to five destinations over the
period
Use synonyms
 2004 to 2007. It is clear from the chart throughout the
period
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, that the most famous place to move to was Australia. As the bar chart compares in 2004. Australia stood at just over 40,000
people
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 but in 2005
this
Linking Words
percentage
Use synonyms
 decreased to 39,000
people
Use synonyms
.
However
Linking Words
, the
percentage
Use synonyms
 of Britons to
move
Wrong verb form
moved
show examples
 to Australia, the most popular place at just over 50,000
people
Use synonyms
 in 2006 but in 2007
this
Linking Words
percentage
Use synonyms
 dropped
approximately
Change preposition
to approximately
show examples
 45,000
people
Use synonyms
. Regarding, the next popular country for Britons to move to was Spain. In 2005 the most British
people
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 emigrated to Spain at, approximately 35,000
people
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 and in 2004,
this
Linking Words
percentage
Use synonyms
 was plummed just under 35,000
people
Use synonyms
. And
also
Linking Words
 in
2006
Add a comma
2006,
show examples
 the emigration of Britons to Spain declined to finish at below 30,000
people
Use synonyms
 and in 2007
this
Linking Words
percentage
Use synonyms
 fell
just
Change preposition
to just
show examples
 over 25,000 visitors. Turning in 2004 emigration to New Zealand stood
approximately
Change preposition
at approximately
show examples
 25,000
people
Use synonyms
 but in 2005
this
Linking Words
 rate slowly plunged to just over 20,000
people
Use synonyms
 and
also
Linking Words
 in the next two years
this
Linking Words
percentage
Use synonyms
 slightly decreased, to nearly 20,000 in 2006 and in 2007 just under 20,000
people
Use synonyms
.
While
Linking Words
 the USA fluctuated between 20 - 25,000
people
Use synonyms
 over the
period
Use synonyms
.
Although
Linking Words
 the number of visitors to France spiked to nearly 35,000 in 2005, it was the least popular country to emigrate to
at the end
Linking Words
 of the
period
Use synonyms
, at just under 20,000 visitors.

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "also".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words people, period, percentage with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "charts" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "number of" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 6 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "decreased" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "move" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "stood" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "approximately" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "nearly" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "just over" was used 4 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "just under" was used 3 times.
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