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Band 6.5

Many people think that the fast food industry is responsible for health problems in society, while others believe that individuals are responsible for their own health. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#people #food #industry #health #society #individuals
It is clear that
 these days, takeaway restaurants and cafes have been trying to provide a vast number of junk foods.
While
 there are a lot of people to consume them. In my opinion, the people are blamed for health issues. On the one hand, the majority of people argue that junk
food
 is harmful and they are not a healthy diet.
This
 is because they believe that restaurants, which prepare fast
food
, try to use materials that have low quality in the market.
Such
 as, they consume the waste of meat, frozen potatoes, and scraps of materials.
Also
, homemade
food
 lessens the risk of heart attack.
Secondly
, they
also
 say that most of the places that offer junk
food
 are not neat and tidy.
For example
, you will witness a lot of insects Where is preparing the
food
?
On the other hand
, nowadays we can see the rising of eating fast
food
 by many families.
As a result
 of, having no free time, they have to consume ready foods for their meals.
Also
, fast
food
 is so tasty and prepared as soon as they order.
Besides
, they say that children have fast
food
 better than traditional foods and from their point of view that, not only is fast
food
 convenient to cook but
also
 very flexible. In conclusion, I think,
although
 we have to consume fast
food
 in our daily routine and it is undeniable, we will be able to organise the consumption of them and have a balanced diet.
Submitted by s_karimi2002 on

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task achievement
The essay could benefit from a more comprehensive response to the prompt. Discussing both views in more detail and with clearer examples will strengthen your argument.
task achievement
Ensure that each main point is fully supported with specific examples or explanations. This will make your argument more compelling and well-rounded.
coherence cohesion
While the overall structure of the essay is clear, make sure that each paragraph flows logically from one to the next. Transitional phrases and more varied sentence structures can help with this.
task achievement
You've clearly presented both views on the issue, which shows a balanced approach to the topic.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are present and succinct, providing a clear framework for your essay.
coherence cohesion
Your writing demonstrates a good grasp of basic sentence structure and organization.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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