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There are many different types of music in the world today. Why do we need music? Is the traditional music of a country more important than the international music that is heard everywhere nowadays?

#music #world #country
Nowadays,
music
 is easily accessible worldwide.
People
 can listen to
music
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 their phones,
community
Change preposition
in community
show examples
mall
Fix the agreement mistake
malls
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,pubs, or even in
the
Correct article usage
apply
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movie
Fix the agreement mistake
movies
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,that insert
music
 in the scene in order to enhance emotions, as
music
 has
ability
Change the article
the ability
show examples
 to change
people
’s
emotion
Fix the agreement mistake
emotions
show examples
so that
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
there are studies show that not only
music
 therapy can help patients who diagnosed with major depression to cope with the disease but
also
 reduce heart rate,lower blood pressure,reduce anxiety, and improve sleep quality in normal
people
. Since there is global internalization nowadays.
People
 have various choices in types of
music
,roughly divided into traditional and international
music
.In my opinion,each type of
music
 has its own importance. Even though, some
people
 think that
people
 in the nation have the duty to preserve traditional
music
 as
its
Correct pronoun usage
it
show examples
represent
Correct subject-verb agreement
represents
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nation’s
Correct article usage
the nation’s
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 culture so that the
nation
Change noun form
nation's
show examples
 roots will not
be disappeared
Wrong verb form
disappear
show examples
 as
the
Correct article usage
apply
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time
passed
Wrong verb form
passes
show examples
.
On the other
hand
Add a comma
hand,
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 nowadays
people
 have more choices to select
depending
Change preposition
from depending
show examples
 on their styles
thus
Correct word choice
and thus
show examples
 should not be forced to listen to only their own traditional
music
.If traditional
music
 has its own values,it won’t
be
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
disappeard
Correct your spelling
disappeared
disappear
 easily because these days
people
 can listen to
music
 all around the world so there will be
people
 in other nations who listen to our
music
 and see its value.
For
instance
Add a comma
instance,
show examples
 K- pop
music
 from Korea has become popular worldwide.
Clearly
Add a comma
Clearly,
show examples
music
 is part of
people
’s lives that can not be evitable.The reason why is its benefit to
people
’s mental health.Whether traditional or international
music
have
Change the verb form
has
show examples
their
Correct pronoun usage
its
show examples
 own uniqueness.
Submitted by chawanat.pla on

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coherence cohesion
To improve your coherence and cohesion, make sure that each paragraph has a clear main idea and that your ideas flow logically from one to the next. Start with a clear introduction and end with a concise conclusion that summarizes your main points.
task achievement
In the future, try to provide more specific examples to support your ideas. This will help to make your arguments more compelling and easier to follow.
grammar
Work on reducing grammatical errors and refining your sentence structures. This will make your writing clearer and more professional.
grammar
Be sure to proofread your work to avoid small inaccuracies and inconsistencies, especially regarding punctuation and capitalization.
task achievement
Your essay does a good job addressing the topic and provides clear reasons why music is important, along with a discussion on traditional versus international music.
coherence cohesion
You’ve included some good points about the benefits of music for mental health and how traditional and international music have their own importance.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • emotional release
  • cultural significance
  • globalization
  • cultural exchange
  • technology
  • preservation
  • cultural heritage
  • social cohesion
  • expression
  • consumption
  • production
  • traditional music
  • international music
  • diversity
  • identity
What to do next:
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