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Writing Samples
Band 5

In many countries, teenagers are encouraged to do part-time jobs. What’s the situation like in your country? What do you think are the advantages and disadvantages of doing part-time jobs?

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The majority of
parents
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 believe teenage age is the best phase for
the
Correct article usage
apply
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teenagers
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 to learn how to achieve something they want by working and struggling on their own.
This
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 phase is important to build their mindset as the basic principle to achieve something.
That is
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 why in many countries,
teenagers
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 are encouraged to do part-time
jobs
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 or forced by their
parents
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. Currently, part-time
jobs
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 are becoming
so
Rephrase
very
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 popular among
teenagers
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. The reasons are simple:
first,
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they could save money and buy stuff from the wish list;
second,
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the
teenagers
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 could practice and learn how to survive in society and
lastly
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, to build their confidence. Those benefits are actually what the
parents
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 seek to teach their
childrens
Correct your spelling
children
show examples
. For
parents
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, encouraging
the
Change the word
their
show examples
 kids to do part-time
jobs
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 is like a final lesson and examination for children to prove themselves ready to tackle any challenges in the real world. In fact,
this
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 kind of method
is
Unnecessary verb
apply
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proved by some researchers from Harvard that
teenagers
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 who
did
Wrong verb form
do
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
part-time
jobs
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 are mostly more mature and
skillful
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skilful
show examples
. Based on popular newspapers in Indonesia,
teenagers
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 are not eager to do part-time
jobs
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 because their
parents
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 are more
centered
Change the spelling
centred
show examples
 on formal education.
Therefore
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 academic results and reporting
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
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 the priority for Indonesia's
teenager
Fix the agreement mistake
teenagers
show examples
.
However
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, there are some cases where the
parents
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 force their children to do the activity because they just want to marginalize the profit. Children’s exploitation often happens
for example
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, In India
the
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apply
show examples
teenagers
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 are forcefully busking on the road or hawking to
the
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apply
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foreigners.
This
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behavior
Change the spelling
behaviour
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 could break a teenager’s mentality, make them exhausted or even lead to an unworthy feeling.
Therefore
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 the regulation for
this
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 must be clear and not be
misuse
Wrong verb form
misused
show examples
. In conclusion, part-time
jobs
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 are an excellent activity for
teenagers
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 in order to build their mindset, knowledge and
skill
Fix the agreement mistake
skills
show examples
.
It is clear that
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 if
teenagers
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 did part-time
jobs
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 they would be more mature.
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However
Add a comma
However,
show examples
 the parent’s supervision is important and the policy must be safe for the
teenagers
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.

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task achievement
Make sure to use specific examples to illustrate your points more vividly. For example, when discussing the benefits of part-time jobs, you could describe a particular scenario or success story.
coherence cohesion
Work on creating a smoother flow between paragraphs. Use transitional phrases such as 'Moreover,' 'Additionally,' or 'On the other hand' to guide the reader.
coherence cohesion
Refine your logical structure by ensuring each paragraph has a clear main idea and supporting details that are directly related to it. This will help make the essay easier to follow.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are well-presented, providing a clear opening and closing to your essay.
task achievement
Your essay covers multiple aspects of the topic, providing a well-rounded discussion.
task achievement
The essay presents a balanced view, acknowledging both the advantages and disadvantages of part-time jobs for teenagers.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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