IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6

The government should spend money in promoting sports and art in school, rather than sponsoring professional sports and art events in communities. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#government #money #sports #art #school #events #communities
It's believed that the
governments
 are supposed to give financial support to the activities at schools rather than in societies and
such
 a statement suffers from logical and factual fallacies. In my opinion,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
governments
 should spend
money
 on social
events
 as
economy
Replace the word
economic
show examples
 development and
culture
Replace the word
cultural
show examples
 spread are concerned. First and foremost, sponsoring sports and art
events
 in public places promotes economic development. To be more specific, numerous residents both from local and foreign cities will be attracted by these social
events
.
For example
, the traditional art festival is always held in Xichang in August, during
this
 period, lots of
travelers
Change the spelling
travellers
show examples
 from other countries come to join
this
 activity and pay for the hotel rooms and basic dishes,
thus
 local presidents make lots of
money
, which is good for
local
Add an article
the local
show examples
 economy.
Therefore
, it's obviously more promising for the government to spend the
money
 in society
instead
 of on campuses.
Furthermore
, supporting communities rather than schools is a more considerable method to help culture spread. Take the case of the Olympic competitions: China made use of
such
 opportunities to offer traditional Chinese dishes and gifts to foreigners and lots of people got to know Chinese culture from the news report,
thus
 it's worthy for the government to provide
money
 for
communities
Change the noun form
community
show examples
 activities.
However
, some people argue that it will be more economical for the
governments
 to lay emphasis on school
events
. Ironically,
such
 a statement suffers from factual fallacies,
such
 as many poor cities located in remote areas only have limited budgets and spending
this
money
 together on local development like holding the
events
 mentioned above is a more accessible way of improving income. Based on the statement and analysis, despite the tiny advantage of giving financial support to schools, spending the
money
 on social
events
 is a more workable method and it can be predicted that
such
 measures will be taken by most
governments
 in the future.
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task achievement
While the essay presents clear arguments and relevant examples, it could benefit from further elaboration on certain points. Additional details and examples could help to deepen the analysis, adding more nuance to the discussion.
coherence cohesion
To enhance coherence and cohesion, the essay could benefit from better transitions between paragraphs and ideas. The introduction could also be slightly refined to better outline the main points that will be discussed. Make sure each paragraph flows smoothly from one idea to the next.
task achievement
The essay provides relevant and specific examples to support the main points, which helps to clarify the argument and demonstrate a strong understanding of the topic.
coherence cohesion
The logical structure of the essay is clear and easy to follow, with well-defined paragraphs and a logical progression of ideas from introduction to conclusion.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Foster early talent
  • Holistic development
  • Accessibility
  • Long-term benefits
  • Socio-economic background
  • Culturally rich society
  • Reduced inequality
  • Community bonding
  • Foundation skills
  • Engaged citizens
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