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Writing Samples
Band 6

Nowadays, a growing number of people with health problems are trying alternative medicines and treatments instead of visiting their usual doctor. Do you think is a positive or a negative development?

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Today, many
people
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 tend to
use
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alternative
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medicines
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 and treatments rather than visiting
doctors
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 when they suffer from
health
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problems
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. In my point of view,
this
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 idea outweighs the disadvantages rather than the advantages. There are many reasons that
people
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 prefer to
use
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alternative
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medicines
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 and treatments at present more than past. One of them is being expensive for visiting a doctor. Nowadays,
people
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 do not have enough money to visit a doctor for each
health
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 problem.
Therefore
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, they try to
use
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 tablets and pills by their own prescription.
Likewise
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, they
also
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 find some natural remedies to cure themselves.
For example
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, when
people
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 get cold,
firstly
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 they
use
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 a mixture of boiled water with honey and lemon. If it does not work, they
use
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 an adult cold tablet to prevent it from getting worse. The second reason is the availability of
doctors
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 at each time of the day.
In other words
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, many
doctors
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 work in hospitals to examine the patients. Unfortunately, there are lack of rooms in residential areas to examine the patients privately. Regarding
this
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, the cost of visiting privately is much more than visiting in hospital.
On the other hand
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, those reasons are not logical. Because
people
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 get into trouble and having
alternative
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medicines
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 brings many side effects for them. Sometimes, when a person has a minor
health
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 issue, he usually does not pay attention to it carefully. So, by passing time, the minor problem becomes chronic
health
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problems
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 like hard breathing.
Moreover
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, usually, women in the world will have
health
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problems
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 more easily.
To conclude
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, at present, an increasing number of individuals with
health
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problems
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 are making attempts to
use
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alternative
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medicines
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 and treatments
instead
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 of going to
doctors
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.
This
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 action usually causes many
problems
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 for
people
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.

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task achievement
While the essay includes an introduction and a conclusion, the introduction could be clearer in outlining the main points that will be discussed.
coherence cohesion
Some logical structure is present, but there are instances where the flow of ideas could be improved. For instance, the transition between paragraphs is not always smooth.
coherence cohesion
To increase coherence, try to make sure each paragraph begins with a clear topic sentence and that all sentences within the paragraph stick to that topic. This will help in making your argument more concise and easily understandable.
task achievement
Supporting main points should be more thoroughly discussed with specific examples and stronger explanations. Detail how alternative medicines can lead to side effects more comprehensively.
task achievement
The essay does a good job of introducing the topic and taking a stance.
task achievement
The conclusion effectively summarizes the essay and restates the stance.
task achievement
There is an effort to present both sides of the argument, which is commendable.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • alternative medicines
  • treatments
  • positive development
  • negative development
  • health problems
  • usual doctor
  • access
  • personalized approach
  • holistic well-being
  • lack of regulation
  • evidence-based research
  • proper medical treatment
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