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Band 6.5

In the present day, social media plays an important role in young people’s lives. Many people believe that it enhances creativity and global awareness, while others argue it could negatively impact their behaviour and attitudes.

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In the present day, social
media
 plays an important role in young people’s lives. Many people believe that it enhances creativity and global awareness,
while
 others argue it could negatively impact their behaviour and attitudes. In the following paragraphs, both points of view will be discussed in detail before a conclusion is reached. On the one hand, there are many advantages which social
media
 provides. The significant one among them is creativity. The internet has vast amounts of interesting information for learning and inspiration, as it gives digital space for sharing ideas and opinions. Nowadays, every aspect of news is present on social
media
such
 as economy, financial, business, politics, civic, science and environment,
this
 literacy news promotes global awareness for
teenagers
 in every home.
Additionally
,
media
 platform provides
teenagers
 with avenues to express themself artistically and innovatively by creating and sharing videos on YouTube,
facebook
Capitalize word
Facebook
show examples
 or Instagram,
this
 leads to improved positive self-esteem.
On the other hand
,
this
 platform can
also
 have adverse effects on young people. Social
media
 addiction and excessive screen time can lead to social avoidance and decrease communication skills in real life.
Moreover
, online bullying is a major issue causing potential drawbacks for
teenagers
,
as a result
 of depression and mental health issues. Lack of cybersecurity can put personal information or individual identity at risk. In conclusion,
while
 social
media
 offers various advantages,
such
 as creativity, knowledge and self-esteem, it is important to consider the potential negative impacts on children.
Therefore
, parents should take responsibility for restricting screen time and carefully select content for their children. The government
also
 has to take action in the punishment of cybercrime and cyberbullying.
This
 will help ensure
teenagers
to take
Verb problem
apply
show examples
maximize profits from social
media
 and mitigate adverse outcomes.
Submitted by sippakorn.wet on

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task achievement
Make sure to include more specific examples and evidence to strengthen your arguments. This can help make your essay more convincing and well-supported.
coherence cohesion
Work on improving the logical flow between sentences and paragraphs. Using transition words and phrases can help make your writing smoother and more coherent.
coherence cohesion
Pay attention to sentence structure and variety to make your essay more engaging. Avoid repetitive phrases and aim for more sophisticated vocabulary.
task achievement
The essay provides a clear response to the prompt, addressing both advantages and disadvantages of social media.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are present and provide a good summary of the main points.
task achievement
You have made a good effort to explore different aspects of social media's impact, like creativity, global awareness, and potential negative effects.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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