At the present time, the poplation of some countries include a relatively large number of young adults, compared with the number of older people. Do the advantages of this situation outweigh the disadvantages?
In general, increasing the young adult population numbers would work in a positive way,
while
some might argue that it is not a good tendency for some reason. I personally believe that raising the number of young adults
is more beneficial because the younger generation usually creates a new era and contributes to the development of the countries.
The most important advantage is that the people
who make the world
are always young adults
, as I said earlier. For example
, Steve Jobs brought us a lot of positive aspects and changed the world
by providing us with a smartphone. Furthermore
, the world
composed of older people
, such
as current Japan, indicates a very low happiness degree.
The flip side of this
coin is that declining the figure of senior citizens could cause young bad behaviour. For instance
, the more the number of young adults
increases, the more young adults
do not respect senior citizens. As a result
, we might not control our desire, and it could lead to a world
war. That is
why the essential key is that we should not forget that senior citizens has
Change the verb form
have
a considerable wisdom
rather than young Remove the article
considerable wisdom
a pearl of considerable wisdom
adults
. However
, I reckon it is a better way to prioritise the young people
and take a balance by making the most of the wisdom.
In conclusion, in the world
of the majority of young people
, there are some advantages.
Likely, the majority of the older people
have some advantages. Therefore
, the significant point is keeping the balance between older people
and young people
. Having said that, young people
do not have as much experience as older people
, so it is better to take a balance with the older people
.Submitted by soudai0216 on
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task achievement
Your essay presents some clear and relevant ideas regarding the advantages and disadvantages of a larger young adult population. However, some points could be more elaborated for better clarity and support with specific examples.
coherence cohesion
The logical structure of your essay is generally sound, but there are moments where the flow could be improved for better clarity and coherence. For instance, ensure your arguments link smoothly from one sentence and paragraph to the next.
task achievement
Several points are mentioned, but adding more specific examples and discussing the implications in greater detail will strengthen your arguments. For instance, provide a more in-depth exploration of how Steve Jobs' innovations have specifically impacted society and the economy.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which is good for providing the reader with a full overview of your points.
task achievement
You have identified and discussed both advantages and disadvantages, showing an understanding of the topic.
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.
‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.
Examples:
I really want to study but I’m too tired.
I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.
If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.
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