At the present time, the poplation of some countries include a relatively large number of young adults, compared with the number of older people. Do the advantages of this situation outweigh the disadvantages?

#time #poplation #countries #adults #people #situation

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In general, increasing the young adult population numbers would work in a positive way,

while

some might argue that it is not a good tendency for some reason. I personally believe that raising the number of young

adults

is more beneficial because the younger generation usually creates a new era and contributes to the development of the countries. The most important advantage is that the

people

who make the

world

are always young

adults

, as I said earlier.

For example

, Steve Jobs brought us a lot of positive aspects and changed the

world

by providing us with a smartphone.

Furthermore

, the

world

composed of older

people

such

as current Japan, indicates a very low happiness degree. The flip side of

this

coin is that declining the figure of senior citizens could cause young bad behaviour.

For instance

, the more the number of young

adults

increases, the more young

adults

do not respect senior citizens.

As a result

, we might not control our desire, and it could lead to a

world

war.

That is

why the essential key is that we should not forget that senior citizens

has

Change the verb form

have

show examples

a considerable wisdom

Remove the article

considerable wisdom

a pearl of considerable wisdom

show examples

rather than young

adults

However

, I reckon it is a better way to prioritise the young

people

and take a balance by making the most of the wisdom. In conclusion, in the

world

of the majority of young

people

, there are some advantages. Likely, the majority of the older

people

have some advantages.

Therefore

, the significant point is keeping the balance between older

people

and young

people

. Having said that, young

people

do not have as much experience as older

people

, so it is better to take a balance with the older

people

Submitted by soudai0216 on Sun Aug 25 2024

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task achievement

Your essay presents some clear and relevant ideas regarding the advantages and disadvantages of a larger young adult population. However, some points could be more elaborated for better clarity and support with specific examples.

coherence cohesion

The logical structure of your essay is generally sound, but there are moments where the flow could be improved for better clarity and coherence. For instance, ensure your arguments link smoothly from one sentence and paragraph to the next.

task achievement

Several points are mentioned, but adding more specific examples and discussing the implications in greater detail will strengthen your arguments. For instance, provide a more in-depth exploration of how Steve Jobs' innovations have specifically impacted society and the economy.

coherence cohesion

Your essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which is good for providing the reader with a full overview of your points.

task achievement

You have identified and discussed both advantages and disadvantages, showing an understanding of the topic.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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10
Linking words
meeting the goal of 7 or more
3
Word repetition
meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2
Grammar mistakes
detected issues

0123456789.0505

Overall Band Score

Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0

Logical structure

Introduction & conclusion present

Supported main points

Accurate linking words

Variety in linking words

Lexical resource: 7.0

Varied vocabulary

Accurate spelling & word formation

Grammatical Range: 6.0

Mix of complex & simple sentences

Clear and correct grammar

Task Achievement: 5.0

Complete response

Clear & comprehensive ideas

Relevant & specific examples

Appropriate word count

4 paragraphs

283 words

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Topic Vocabulary:

Demographic shift
Labor force
Economic growth
Healthcare system
Pension system
Technological adaptability
Dependency ratio
Social dynamism
Educational demand
Youth unemployment
Innovation
Economic instability
Traditional family structures
Sustainability
Progressive society

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At the present time, the poplation of some countries include a relatively large number of young adults, compared with the number of older people. Do the advantages of this situation outweigh the disadvantages?

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

In their advertising, businesses nowadays usually emphasise that their products are new in some way Why is this? Do you think it is a positive or negative development?

Many people think that the behavior of professional sportsmen off the field is not important as long as they are good players. To what extent do you agree or disagree with it?

The world has many towns and cities constructed in previous centuries that were more suitable and livable for people in those time than they are now.

Some people think that parents should teach their children how to be good members of society. Others, however, believe that school is the best place to learn this. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.