At the present time, the poplation of some countries include a relatively large number of young adults, compared with the number of older people. Do the advantages of this situation outweigh the disadvantages?

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In general, increasing the young adult population numbers would work in a positive way,

while

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some might argue that it is not a good tendency for some reason. I personally believe that raising the number of young

adults

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is more beneficial because the younger generation usually creates a new era and contributes to the development of the countries. The most important advantage is that the

people

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who make the

world

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are always young

adults

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, as I said earlier.

For example

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, Steve Jobs brought us a lot of positive aspects and changed the

world

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by providing us with a smartphone.

Furthermore

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, the

world

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composed of older

people

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such

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as current Japan, indicates a very low happiness degree. The flip side of

this

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coin is that declining the figure of senior citizens could cause young bad behaviour.

For instance

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, the more the number of young

adults

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increases, the more young

adults

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do not respect senior citizens.

As a result

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, we might not control our desire, and it could lead to a

world

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war.

That is

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why the essential key is that we should not forget that senior citizens

has

Change the verb form

have

show examples

a considerable wisdom

Remove the article

considerable wisdom

a pearl of considerable wisdom

show examples

rather than young

adults

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However

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, I reckon it is a better way to prioritise the young

people

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and take a balance by making the most of the wisdom. In conclusion, in the

world

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of the majority of young

people

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, there are some advantages. Likely, the majority of the older

people

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have some advantages.

Therefore

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, the significant point is keeping the balance between older

people

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and young

people

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. Having said that, young

people

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do not have as much experience as older

people

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, so it is better to take a balance with the older

people

Use synonyms

soudai0216Sun Aug 25 2024

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task achievement

Your essay presents some clear and relevant ideas regarding the advantages and disadvantages of a larger young adult population. However, some points could be more elaborated for better clarity and support with specific examples.

coherence cohesion

The logical structure of your essay is generally sound, but there are moments where the flow could be improved for better clarity and coherence. For instance, ensure your arguments link smoothly from one sentence and paragraph to the next.

task achievement

Several points are mentioned, but adding more specific examples and discussing the implications in greater detail will strengthen your arguments. For instance, provide a more in-depth exploration of how Steve Jobs' innovations have specifically impacted society and the economy.

coherence cohesion

Your essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which is good for providing the reader with a full overview of your points.

task achievement

You have identified and discussed both advantages and disadvantages, showing an understanding of the topic.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

10
Linking words
meeting the goal of 7 or more
3
Word repetition
meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2
Grammar mistakes
detected issues

0123456789.0505

Overall Band Score

Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0

Logical structure

Introduction & conclusion present

Supported main points

Accurate linking words

Variety in linking words

Lexical resource: 7.0

Varied vocabulary

Accurate spelling & word formation

Grammatical Range: 6.0

Mix of complex & simple sentences

Clear and correct grammar

Task Achievement: 5.0

Complete response

Clear & comprehensive ideas

Relevant & specific examples

Appropriate word count

4 paragraphs

283 words

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Topic Vocabulary:

Demographic shift
Labor force
Economic growth
Healthcare system
Pension system
Technological adaptability
Dependency ratio
Social dynamism
Educational demand
Youth unemployment
Innovation
Economic instability
Traditional family structures
Sustainability
Progressive society

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At the present time, the poplation of some countries include a relatively large number of young adults, compared with the number of older people. Do the advantages of this situation outweigh the disadvantages?

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

In some countries, owning a home rather than renting one is very important fo people. why might this be the case? Do you think this is a positive or negative situation?

Nowadays,environmental problems are too big to be managed by individual persons or individual countries in other words it is an international problem.To what extend do you agree or disagree

Technology is being used more and more in education. Some people say that this is a positive trend, while others argue that it is leading to negative consequences. Discuss both sides of this argument and then give your own opinion.

Some believe children should be taught to give speeches and presentations in school. Why is this? What other skills do you think it is important to be taught in schools?