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Band 6

At the present time, the poplation of some countries include a relatively large number of young adults, compared with the number of older people. Do the advantages of this situation outweigh the disadvantages?

#time #poplation #countries #adults #people #situation
In general, increasing the young adult population numbers would work in a positive way,
while
 some might argue that it is not a good tendency for some reason. I personally believe that raising the number of young
adults
 is more beneficial because the younger generation usually creates a new era and contributes to the development of the countries. The most important advantage is that the
people
 who make the
world
 are always young
adults
, as I said earlier.
For example
, Steve Jobs brought us a lot of positive aspects and changed the
world
 by providing us with a smartphone.
Furthermore
, the
world
 composed of older
people
,
such
 as current Japan, indicates a very low happiness degree. The flip side of
this
 coin is that declining the figure of senior citizens could cause young bad behaviour.
For instance
, the more the number of young
adults
 increases, the more young
adults
 do not respect senior citizens.
As a result
, we might not control our desire, and it could lead to a
world
 war.
That is
 why the essential key is that we should not forget that senior citizens
has
Change the verb form
have
show examples
a considerable wisdom
Remove the article
considerable wisdom
a pearl of considerable wisdom
show examples
 rather than young
adults
.
However
, I reckon it is a better way to prioritise the young
people
 and take a balance by making the most of the wisdom. In conclusion, in the
world
 of the majority of young
people
, there are some advantages.
Likely, the majority of the older
people
 have some advantages.
Therefore
, the significant point is keeping the balance between older
people
 and young
people
. Having said that, young
people
 do not have as much experience as older
people
, so it is better to take a balance with the older
people
.
Submitted by soudai0216 on

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task achievement
Your essay presents some clear and relevant ideas regarding the advantages and disadvantages of a larger young adult population. However, some points could be more elaborated for better clarity and support with specific examples.
coherence cohesion
The logical structure of your essay is generally sound, but there are moments where the flow could be improved for better clarity and coherence. For instance, ensure your arguments link smoothly from one sentence and paragraph to the next.
task achievement
Several points are mentioned, but adding more specific examples and discussing the implications in greater detail will strengthen your arguments. For instance, provide a more in-depth exploration of how Steve Jobs' innovations have specifically impacted society and the economy.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which is good for providing the reader with a full overview of your points.
task achievement
You have identified and discussed both advantages and disadvantages, showing an understanding of the topic.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Demographic shift
  • Labor force
  • Economic growth
  • Healthcare system
  • Pension system
  • Technological adaptability
  • Dependency ratio
  • Social dynamism
  • Educational demand
  • Youth unemployment
  • Innovation
  • Economic instability
  • Traditional family structures
  • Sustainability
  • Progressive society
What to do next:
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