IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

In many countries, people are now living longer than ever before. Some people say an ageing population creates problems for governments. Other people think there are benefits if society if society has more elderly people.

In the recent
world
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, several countries have many
aging
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ageing
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people
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 who are still living to
this
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 day. The governments believe that old
people
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 are a problem for the population. In
this
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 essay, I will discuss the advantages and disadvantages of having old
people
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 in the community.
Firstly
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, old
people
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 as grandparents give useful advice to young
people
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, especially children about life lessons and fascinating historical moments.
For instance
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, when there is a piece of breaking news that comes on television, my grandpa usually discusses politics and recent government problems with me, I find it rather boring but interesting at the same time and it leads me to want to know more about politics.
In addition
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, with many old
people
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 in the population, it gives young
people
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 about the life lessons that they will learn when the time comes.
On the other hand
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,
while
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 it is beneficial to have old
people
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 in the
world
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 there are some downsides that most
people
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 experience and know.
First,
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old
people
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 tend to have health issues like dementia, high blood pressure, weak body, etc. In general, old
people
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 tend to be stubborn most of the time, and
this
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 kind of
behavior
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behaviour
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 can lead to some issues with other
people
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.
For example
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, when a random guy sees an old man throwing a piece of trash on the ground and not in the trashcan, and when the random guy tells the old man to throw the trash into the trashcan,
then
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this
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 will likely cause a brawl between the two.
Nevertheless
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, old
people
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 have some difficulties and are not able to adapt to the new environment. In conclusion, I strongly agree with the first opinion, where I believe that old
people
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 create a balance in the
world
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,
while
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 from my point of view, I think that old
people
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 are not well adapted to the new
world
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. To some extent, the government has to make a second thought if it is the right thing to do to get rid of old
people
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.

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coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. To improve further, try to refine your introductory and concluding sentences to make a stronger impact.
coherence cohesion
Ensure your ideas flow more smoothly between and within paragraphs. Use a wider range of cohesive devices to link sentences and paragraphs together.
task achievement
While your examples are relevant, try to provide more specific examples and analyze them thoroughly to add depth to your arguments.
task achievement
Offer more nuanced perspectives and detailed explanations to give a more comprehensive response to the task.
coherence cohesion
You have a clear and logical structure, with distinct paragraphs that make it easy to follow your argument.
task achievement
Your essay addresses the task effectively by discussing both the advantages and disadvantages of having more elderly people in society.
task achievement
Your examples are relevant to the points you are making, which strengthens your argument.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • ageing population
  • benefits
  • disadvantages
  • advantages
  • experience
  • knowledge
  • contribution
  • economy
  • society
  • healthcare
  • youth employment
  • community
  • intergenerational support
  • volunteerism
  • mentorship
  • increased demand
  • pension costs
  • social welfare systems
  • workforce
  • productivity
  • intergenerational conflict
  • technological adaptability
  • dependency
  • effective
  • skill development
  • employment opportunities
  • intergenerational solidarity
  • communication
  • lifelong learning
  • technological literacy
  • age-friendly
  • social policies
  • infrastructure
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