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Band 5.5

More and More People are Turning Towards Technology and Business. How and Why should we Promote Art and Culture?

#people #technology #business #art #culture
It is a fact that
a
Change the article
the
show examples
 number of
people
 who prefer technology and business nowadays is increasing.
This
 essay explains why funding into
culture
 is
also
 important and that
art
 helps mankind to live through different moments of their lives. Both
art
 and
culture
 play a significant role in living over positive and negative frames of our lives. The main idea of
art
 is to call for emotions and once we hear a song or receive a drawing from our close ones, all these moments we live through become engraved into our memory by the feelings brought
with
Change preposition
by
show examples
 the pieces of
art
.
For example
, there was an article in a popular magazine, which told a story of a woman who figuratively felt like she was brought back in time just by hearing a one hackneyed song she used to listen
all
Change preposition
to all
show examples
 the time in her childhood. The government can help to turn
people
 into
culture
 by sponsoring schools, which teach children
art
. If a talent gets discovered
in
Change preposition
at
show examples
young
Correct article usage
a young
show examples
 age,
chances
Correct article usage
the chances
show examples
 of
such
person
Correct article usage
a person
show examples
to grow
Change the verb form
growing
show examples
 up as a famous musician or an artist increase drastically. Since
majority
Add an article
the majority
a majority
show examples
 of kids attend public schools ruled by the government, it has all the might to build up a study ladder to help young learners to be submerged by
art
 and
culture
.
For instance
, Mozart - the famous violinist learned to play the instrument when he was 3 years old and if not for the school he was attending, the world would have never known
such
 an artist. In conclusion, in spite of more
people
Change noun form
people's
show examples
 interest in technology and business, it is important that the government
flock
Verb problem
pays
show examples
 more money to
development
Add an article
the development
show examples
 of
art
 schools for children, because
to become
Change the verb form
becoming
show examples
 a famous artist is easier
in
Change preposition
at
show examples
young
Correct article usage
a young
show examples
 age and
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
culture
 helps
people
 to recall their memories by emotions.
Submitted by dulskywork on

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coherence cohesion
Try to ensure the essay flows smoothly from point to point. Avoid abrupt transitions to maintain logical cohesion between ideas.
coherence cohesion
Provide a stronger link between the introduction and the body paragraphs to enhance clarity. There should be clear, seamless transitions that guide the reader logically.
coherence cohesion
Enhance the conclusion by summarizing the main points discussed more explicitly to reinforce the key arguments presented.
task achievement
Include more relevant examples that are specific and directly support the arguments presented to strengthen the task response.
task achievement
Expand on the ideas presented to offer a more well-rounded exploration of the topic. Provide more detailed evidence and analysis where necessary.
task achievement
The essay presents a clear understanding of the importance of art and culture, juxtaposed against the increasing trend towards technology and business.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are present and provide a good framework for the essay.
task achievement
The examples provided, such as the story of the woman and Mozart, are relevant and help to illustrate the points being made.
coherence cohesion
The essay is well-structured, with clear paragraphs and a logical progression of ideas.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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