IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Some people think most crimes are the result of circumstances like poverty and other social problems. Others believe that they are caused by people who are bad in nature. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#some #people #crimes #circumstances #poverty #nature
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
In
this
Linking Words
 contemporary epoch of rising crimes in society, a significant number of
individuals
Use synonyms
 contend that poverty, lack of health, or education amenities are the major causes. Critics say that it is the result of the poor nature of some
people
Use synonyms
.
In
Change preposition
From
show examples
 my perspective, I ardently support the first assertion.
This
Linking Words
 essay will delve into the reasons behind both views and will lead to a logical conclusion as well.
To begin
Linking Words
 with, the most prominent
reason
Use synonyms
 behind the first scenario is the lack of capability to afford the basic necessities
such
Linking Words
 as good levels of education and medication encourages
individuals
Use synonyms
 to take some steps that are against the social norms.
Hence
Linking Words
, when
people
Use synonyms
 do not have a direct path to afford these facilities, unfortunately,
this
Linking Words
 turns them on the wrong trajectory and they try to steal those facilities with force by using knives or guns. On the flip side, luck or hardships in life are always not the
reason
Use synonyms
 to turn
individuals
Use synonyms
 into criminals. Meanwhile, it might be their mind or aggressive nature that they may adopt the negative path for the fulfilment of their desires.
For instance
Linking Words
, some
people
Use synonyms
 want to run society through their force and approach,
therefore
Linking Words
, it is their mind that makes them commit offences. In my opinion, social problems are the pivotal
reason
Use synonyms
 that lead humans to the wrong routes.
For example
Linking Words
,
individuals
Use synonyms
 struck in poverty may indulge in contracts of steal or murder to earn money so that they can earn basic requirements for their family members.
Thus
Linking Words
, it is apparent that social issues even make benevolent
people
Use synonyms
 take offensive steps.
To conclude
Linking Words
, as per the testimonials mentioned above it is crystal clear that the circumstances in which
people
Use synonyms
 are spending their lives are the major
reason
Use synonyms
 which could encourage them to turn into lawbreakers,
whereas
Linking Words
, just poor thinking capability could never be a strong cause behind the killing or robbery mysteries.
Submitted by ss6802125 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
The essay successfully addresses both views and provides a clear opinion, which contributes to achieving the task. However, providing more specific examples and expanding on them could strengthen the argument.
coherence cohesion
The logical structure of the essay could be improved by ensuring each paragraph flows smoothly into the next. Transition sentences would help in maintaining better coherence.
coherence cohesion
Introduction and conclusion are present and effectively summarize the main points. Ensure that the conclusion closely ties back to the main arguments discussed.
coherence cohesion
Main points are supported, but further elaboration and use of relevant, specific examples could improve the strength of arguments. For instance, citing specific studies or real-life examples would be beneficial.
task achievement
The ideas are generally clear and understandable, but there is room for improvement in terms of expression and complexity of thought. Using a varied sentence structure and advanced vocabulary could elevate the clarity and depth of your insights.
task achievement
The essay clearly addresses both perspectives regarding the causes of crime and provides a well-defined opinion, which is essential for achieving the task response criterion.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are well-structured, giving a clear overview of the topic and summarizing the main points effectively.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: