IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones. Why is this the case? Do you think this is a positive or a negative development? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

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In recent times, technology has taken over and has consumed all age groups including
children
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, who spend hours on their
phone
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phones
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 every day.
This
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 essay discusses the possible cause of
this
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 trend,
although
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, I very strongly believe that
this
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 is a negative development. Technology has become widely popular and easily accessible over the years, which allows everyone who uses it. Nowadays most parents have a very busy work life, they do not have enough time to spend with their
kids
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, and an easy solution to keep their
children
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 entertained is to hand them a smartphone.
Hence
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,
children
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 get addicted to these at a very small age.
For instance
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, I work at a hospital and a small girl came for her vaccination. She was continuously crying, but as soon as her mother gave her a smartphone, it was as if she got hypnotized and suddenly stopped crying,
moreover
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, did not even realize when I gave her the injection. The effect of smartphones on
children
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 remains
to be
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apply
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a contentious topic,
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however
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however,
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 I strongly concur that it affects
children
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 in a negative way in the long run.
Kids
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 prefer to stay at their homes and enjoy the virtual world
instead
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 of going out and playing.
This
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 has led to numerous health problems like worsening
of
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apply
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eyesight and obesity. Statistics have proved that these mobiles are making
children
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 lazy and the obesity rates are higher than ever before.
Moreover
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, it is surprising to note that the level of obesity and atherosclerosis is so severe, that the number of
children
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 getting heart attacks has
also
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 substantially increased.
To conclude
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, mobile phones are so easy to use and readily available,
they
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that they
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 give parents an easy way out to make
children
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 do as they want,
therefore
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,
kids
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 get addicted to these devices.
However
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, in my opinion, phones have a negative effect on
children
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’s lives and their use by
kids
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 should be restricted.

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task response
In the introduction, you could briefly outline the specific reasons that will be discussed in the body paragraphs to create a clearer roadmap for the reader.
task response
Consider adding a sentence or two in the conclusion summarizing the main points discussed in the body paragraphs for a more comprehensive conclusion.
coherence cohesion
While your essay is well-organized, ensure that each paragraph contains only one main idea. Combining multiple ideas might dilute the focus.
coherence cohesion
Make use of more varied transitional phrases to enhance the logical flow. For instance, instead of 'however', you might use 'nonetheless' or 'on the other hand' in different places.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear and relevant introduction and conclusion, which helps in framing your argument effectively.
task response
You have provided specific examples that support your main points, such as the anecdote about the child at the hospital and statistical references.
task response
Your main points are sufficiently supported and elaborated upon, which makes your argument convincing and comprehensive.
coherence cohesion
The essay maintains a logical structure with each paragraph smoothly flowing into the next, enhancing readability.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • smartphones
  • usage
  • technology
  • accessibility
  • convenience
  • entertainment
  • gaming
  • social media
  • communication
  • educational resources
  • addiction
  • dependence
  • negative effects
  • physical health
  • mental health
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