IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

some say that, art and drama are as important as important as other school subjects especially at the primary level. do you agree or disagree?

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There has been a debate regarding the importance of art and drama at the primary school level, with some thinking that they are less relevant compared to other subjects
such
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 as natural science and social science. I strongly believe that art and drama are not as critical as other courses for various reasons. First and foremost, artistry does not have a significant role in the betterment of our society. Our civilization is based on the craftsmanship and ideas of scientists, and
further
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 governed by the social majors.
For instance
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, the ability to draw paintings would not be able to solve urgent problems,
such
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 as alleviating poverty.
Moreover
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, it would be a waste of resources if younger students spend too much of their time studying skill sets that are not relevant to the real world.
For instance
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, providing drawing pencils to students will decrease the
overall
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 budget that could be better spent on purchasing microscopes. Some would disagree and argue that teaching arts would enhance creativity and
therefore
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 improve the capability to solve various problem sets. There are merits to that argument,
however
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, creativity can be improved in a more effective manner.
For example
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, children can develop novel ideas by being exposed to mathematical problems,
this
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 would improve their creativity
while
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 learning subjects that are comparatively more relevant in the real world.
To conclude
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, I firmly believe that art should not be taught in primary schools
due to
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 the limited role of artists in our world and because of the limitation of resources.

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task response
To improve your task response, make sure your essay fully addresses the topic. Your argument seems to suggest that art and drama have no place in education, which might come across as ignoring the prompt's nuance. Consider acknowledging the benefits of these subjects before presenting your viewpoint.
coherence and cohesion
Use a wider range of cohesive devices and organize your essay in clear paragraphs to enhance coherence. Each paragraph should begin with a topic sentence that introduces the main idea, followed by examples and explanations.
task response
Strengthen your argument by providing specific, real-world examples that support your points. Rather than general statements about the relevance of science over art, include studies, statistics, or historical examples that clearly demonstrate your argument's validity.
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