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Band 6

The professional workers such as doctors, nurses, and teachers should be paid more than the sports and entertainment starts or personalities. Do you agree or disagree

#workers #doctors #nurses #teachers #sports #entertainment #personalities
People argue that it is unfair for
doctors
,
nurses
 and
teachers
 to not earn the same or even more than the entertainment
stars
 and personalities. I somewhat disagree towards
this
 topic.
This
 essay will examine both perspectives on the topic. On the one hand,
while
 I think that
doctors
 who have specialised in a particular subject earn very well, I think that
nurses
 and
teachers
 should earn more than what they currently earn.
This
 is
due to
 the fact that they are the backbone of our society and play a huge role in shaping us and making our future. I have seen many
nurses
 and
teachers
 struggle to make ends meet.
Moreover
,
doctors
 and
nurses
 save lives and do things an entertainment personality can not.
Furthermore
, people should appreciate more
nurses
 and
doctors
 than entertainment
stars
 and personalities.
On the other hand
,
sports
stars
 earn a lot of money because of the revenue they generate
due to
 their popularity and fame, they are one of the major reasons for their country's economy and play a huge role in influencing people to do better like Cristiano Ronaldo encouraging kids to drink more water and less Coca-Cola.
Furthermore
, there are a lot of
doctors
 and
nurses
 in a country than
sports
stars
 and
hence
, paying them equally or more than a
sports
 star is not feasible.
To conclude
,
although
 all
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
professionals work hard, I think that
while
doctors
,
nurses
 and
teachers
 should be paid more than what they are currently earning, they should not earn more than a
sports
 star
due to
 the disparity in the population of each profession.
Submitted by satyarthverma88 on

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task achievement
Some of your points are well-articulated, but could benefit from further development. Ensure each main idea is thoroughly explored with specific, relevant examples. For instance, when discussing the struggles of nurses and teachers, personal anecdotes could be supplemented with data or broader examples.
coherence cohesion
Your essay is coherent and flows fairly well, but there are areas where the transitions could be smoother. For example, use more linking words or phrases to connect ideas more seamlessly, which will help improve readability.
task achievement
Your introduction clearly outlines your stance on the issue and the essay's purpose, setting up the reader for what to expect. This is very effective.
coherence cohesion
You successfully present and contrast both sides of the argument, which is crucial for a balanced discussion.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • essential services
  • functioning and improvement of society
  • well-being and education
  • vital role
  • shaping the future generation
  • foundation for a better society
  • attract talented individuals
  • quality of education
  • on the front lines
  • maintaining public health
  • expertise and dedication
  • quality of life
  • market forces and consumer demand
  • prioritizing essential professions
  • long-term benefits
  • high-stress environments
  • emotional strain
  • adequate compensation
  • public funds and resources
  • balanced and equitable society
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