IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Some people think it is more important for govemment to spend public money on promoting healthy lifestyle in order to prevent illness than to spend it on the treatment of people who are already ill. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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Some individuals argue that
government
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 expenditure should be spent on promoting healthy lifestyles and spreading awareness rather than treating
people
Use synonyms
 who are already ill. In
this
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 essay, I will present both points of view and address my conclusion about the statement. On the one hand ,It is frequently believed by a group of
people
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 that the
government
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 must focus on spending public money on sharing awareness of the importance of living in a healthy way
instead
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 of helping others who have already fallen sick .
Furthermore
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, The state should fund schools to teach young students the benefits of a healthy lifestyle.
For example
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, In Kuwait every year the Ministry of Education continues to fund educational centres to hold events about healthy lifestyles.
Moreover
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 ,The country should start taking the topic more seriously , as it can help to prevent many human souls .
On the other hand
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, some folks argue that the
government
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 should balance sharing the pros of having a healthy lifestyle by paying for posters all around the streets and many other ways ,
While
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also
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 providing
people
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 who were diagnosed with diseases with a cure.
For instance
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, many countries in Asia provide their citizens with free health care. Resulting in
people
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 going to hospitals to get checked for any health issue without worrying about the bill expenses .
To conclude
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, the majority of nations believe that it is the
government
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's job to help the ones who are ill and
also
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 prevent the community from getting ill. In my opinion, I absolutely agree that it is their job to take care of their own communities .

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task achievement
Your essay presents clear ideas but should delve deeper into them. Consider elaborating more on each point to make your arguments stronger.
task achievement
Try to maintain a more formal tone throughout your essay. Avoid using conversational phrases like 'For example' too frequently. Instead, integrate your examples seamlessly into your paragraphs.
coherence cohesion
The logical structure is generally good, but transitions between points could be smoother. Use linking words and phrases to ensure your essay flows well from one idea to the next.
coherence cohesion
While your introduction and conclusion are both present, the introduction could be more captivating, and the conclusion should summarize the main points discussed in the essay.
coherence cohesion
You have a clear introduction and conclusion, which is excellent for maintaining structure.
coherence cohesion
Your essay is well-organized, with each paragraph focusing on a specific aspect of the argument.
task achievement
Your examples, such as the educational events in Kuwait, add value and relevance to your arguments.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • preventive measures
  • burden on healthcare systems
  • overall costs
  • enhance citizens' quality of life
  • health disparities
  • equitable resources
  • underserved communities
  • chronic diseases
  • personal responsibility
  • proactive approach
  • underfund treatment
  • immediate needs
  • balanced approach
  • prioritizing prevention and treatment
  • healthy population
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