IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6

The two pie charts demonstrates how the local government has spent its money in different sectors in the year 2000 and 2010. The funding was fairly constant in some areas but changed dramatically in others over the course of the decade.

#two #government #money #sectors #year #areas #course #decade
In 2000, the largest share of the
government
 expenditure was for Education which constituted 24% of the total budget. Healthcare was second at 21% and Pensions was at 19%. These three sectors alone accounted for a large proportion of the budget indicating the
government
’s focus on public services and
welfare
. The fourth largest spending was on defense which constituted 17% of the expenditure.
On the other
hand
Add a comma
hand,
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Welfare
 was allocated a comparatively smaller percentage of 8% and Interest on borrowing was given 5%. The least funded sectors were
Transport
 and Culture and leisure where
Transport
 got a funding of only 3% and Culture and leisure 2%. Other expenses were as low as 1% of the total spending.
However
, by the year
2010
Add a comma
2010,
show examples
 there were some
changes
 in the
government
 spending pattern as highlighted below. Education was still considered a priority but its proportion slightly declined to 21%. Healthcare
also
 remained constant and was reduced by only 1% to 20%,
whereas
 Pensions remained constant at 19%.
This
suggest
Change the verb form
suggests
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 that there is still emphasis on these core public services.
Defense
Change the spelling
Defence
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 was the second largest category and reduced to 14%, which might be
due to
change
Fix the agreement mistake
changes
show examples
 in
government
 policy or
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
changes
 in the geopolitical environment.
On the other hand
, the percentage of spending on
Welfare
 raised to 13% proving that there is a better emphasis on social safety nets. Interest on borrowing and
Transport
 were still small with
Transport
 going up to 4% and Interest on borrowing going up to 3%. Culture and leisure and Other sectors were still insignificant, occupying only 1% of the expenditure.
Therefore
, the analysis of the above data reveals that
although
 Education, Healthcare, and Pensions have remained the most funded core departments throughout the decade, there was a trend towards the increase in
Welfare
 spending
while
 cutting down on the Defense budget. These
changes
 may be attributed to the
changes
 in
government
 policy and the responses to the socio-economic needs of the population at that time.
Submitted by moon2014angel on

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task response
Your essay addresses the task very well by clearly describing the changes in government spending between 2000 and 2010. However, ensure you maintain precision in your descriptions, such as avoiding vague phrases like 'fairly constant' or 'dramatically.'
task response
To improve on the clarity and comprehensiveness of your ideas, avoid repetitive information and ensure every paragraph has a clear unique message. For example, you can merge similar points about 'constant' or 'small' funding to avoid redundancy.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear logical structure with an introductory paragraph, a body that clearly describes the data in detail, and a concluding paragraph that summarizes the main points beautifully.
coherence cohesion
The main points are well supported with specific data from the charts, making your arguments very compelling.
task response
You have made good use of comparisons and contrasts to highlight changes in spending, showcasing a strong grasp of the data and its implications.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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