IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

Parents are putting a lot of pressure on their children to succeed. What are the reasons for this? Is it a positive or negative development? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

#parents #pressure #children #development
Nowadays, a lot of
parents
 force their
children
 to study hard and demand the great result from it. They believe it will increase the chance for the
children
 to be successful. In
this
 essay, I will explain and elaborate
why
Change preposition
on why
show examples
this
behavior
Change the spelling
behaviour
show examples
 is unacceptable.
To begin
 with, we cannot refuse the fact that
parents
 want their
children
 to be successful in life, which leads to unethical ways to make that happen, in
this
 case, forcing.
This
 is bad because forcing will make the
children
 depressed and anxious.
Furthermore
, some
parents
 put
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
severe punishment on their kids if they fail to achieve the great result.
For example
, in Japan, many young students commit suicide after getting a bad result in their
academic's
Change noun form
academic
show examples
 report. Based on the report, those suicidal cases happened because they were too afraid of being punished by their
parents
.
On the other hand
, some
parents
 believe supporting is better than pressuring. Supporting means the parent understands if their kid fails and provides guidance.
Thus
, guidance will help the
children
 understand that bad academic results are not the end.
In addition
, it will grow the responsibility and the sense to be better for the
children
. In my experience, I perform better in academics or work when my
parents
 believe in and support me without putting
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
significant pressure on me. In my experience, putting a lot of pressure on
children
 is always bad and causes severe negative
impact
Fix the agreement mistake
impacts
show examples
.
Otherwise
, guiding and providing is the best way for
parents
 to teach their
children
.
Submitted by megyfebryanisyah on

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introduction and conclusion
The essay could benefit from a more structured and clearer introduction and conclusion. Make sure each paragraph serves a distinct purpose and that the conclusion summarizes the points made in the body paragraphs effectively.
supporting points
The essay should fully develop points by providing more detailed examples and explanations for why pressuring children is negative and why supporting them is positive. This would improve the overall coherence and cohesion of the argument.
language use
Try to use more varied vocabulary and complex sentence structures. This will make the essay more interesting and clearly demonstrate your command of the language.
language use
Avoid using casual language and ensure academic tone throughout the essay. Words like 'bad' can be replaced with more precise terms such as 'detrimental' or 'harmful'.
task response
The essay addresses both reasons why parents pressure their children and provide a clear stance on why this is a negative development.
examples
You provided personal experiences and examples from real life (e.g., the situation in Japan) which makes the essay more relatable and grounded in reality.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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