IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 7

Young people who commit crimes should be treated in the same way as adults. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #crimes #adults
These days,
people
's lifestyles are diverse from the past owing to the fact that technology has been developing;
however
,
crimes
 have not been destroyed and we can see teenagers following them, so a group of
people
 believe that the law for younger generations who do offence ought to be like as adults. I do not subscribe to
this
 idea
due to
 the fact that in my opinion, governments can change their behaviour
also
, alternative them to useful population. On the one hand, if authorities have the same way for a range of ages that commit
crimes
, they will follow
crimes
 more than the prior;
nevertheless
, if they can find the reasons that result are young communities commit
crimes
 and solve them,
then
 after many time they avoid them.
In other words
, most of the time children who live in poor areas are robbers because they do not have good food, residential places and so on;
therefore
, when the governments improve the economy, the rate of offences which are related to poverty will decline.
On the other hand
, if governments teach young
people
 who commit
crimes
 in their prison, their
knowledges
Change the wording
knowledge
pieces of knowledge
bits of knowledge
show examples
 are enhanced;
besides
, they find their aims that are useful for countries.
For instance
, a number of young
people
 who are in jail do not go to schools and have wrong situations;
although
, when they are able to obtain educational qualifications they replace perfect goals
such
 as engineers, doctors, and so forth
instead
 of
crimes
, societies position improved.
To sum up
, It is crucial that the young generations become populations who have benefits for their countries;
hence
, authorities should provide plans that help them to become
people
 who have merits
instead
 of involved in
crimes
.
Submitted by maryamkazemi968 on

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coherence cohesion
When presenting arguments, make sure each paragraph has a clear topic sentence and supports it with relevant details. It will enhance the logical structure.
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Provide more specific examples to support your main points. Real-world examples can make your argument more convincing.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph transitions smoothly into the next. Using transitional phrases and consistently linking ideas will improve cohesion.
task achievement
The essay effectively presents a clear opinion and maintains it throughout, fulfilling the task achievement.
coherence cohesion
There is a structured introduction and conclusion, which encapsulates the main points of the essay.
task achievement
The essay attempts to address the complexity of the issue, discussing solutions and their potential impacts, which demonstrates a good understanding of the task.

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To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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