IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

The average standard of people's health is likely to be lower in the future than it is now. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

#people #health #future
The regular quality of
individual's
Correct article usage
an individual's
show examples
health
 is going to be worse in the future than it is in the present. I personally agree with
this
 statement
due to
standards
Correct article usage
the standards
show examples
 of food and
people
's addiction to
lower quality
Add a hyphen
lower-quality
show examples
 healthcare. The most common issue of
health
 is popularizing
low quality
Add a hyphen
low-quality
show examples
 food.
People
 have already
began
Change the verb form
begun
show examples
 to buy untrustful products
such
 as
chhips
Correct your spelling
chips
, drinks, and
suplements
Correct your spelling
supplements
. All of these products are made by
manufactures
Correct your spelling
manufacturers
show examples
 who care only about
profit
Add an article
the profit
a profit
show examples
 of
sellings
Correct your spelling
selling
show examples
 they make.
For instance
 company named Lay's is one of the biggest brands of producing potato slices with many various
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
spices fried in litres of oil,
leads
Wrong verb form
leading
show examples
people
 to become overweight and obese.
Additionally
, very shocking information is that governments are not going to close these factories because of their own benefits by taking money from them.
In
Change preposition
On
show examples
other
Correct article usage
the other
show examples
 hand, the average standards of
health
is
Change the verb form
are
show examples
 likely to be lower, because of
people
's own addictions. Once they have tried to live very productive by going to the gym or else, they are not likely to continue
this
 routine. Since
people
 are very lazy and automated by bad habits nowadays, no one wants to get rid of
comfortable
Correct article usage
a comfortable
show examples
 life
such
 as eating fast food, having fun at
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
clubs, and not taking care of hygiene.
While
 humanity
are
Verb problem
has
show examples
 already
have
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
become addicted and weak, it is very hard to imagine what will
be
Verb problem
happen
show examples
 in
next
Correct article usage
the next
show examples
 ten years. In conclusion,
although
 there are some hopes for
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
future
health
,
i
Change the capitalization
I
show examples
 have given two main reasons why the standards of healthcare will be lower in the future than it is now.
Submitted by assiya.nurbergen18 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Your essay addresses the task adequately, but it could benefit from further elaboration on your main points. Try to provide more comprehensive explanations and relevant examples to support your arguments fully.
coherence cohesion
Your ideas are logically structured, but the essay would benefit from clearer transitions between paragraphs and more coherent progression from one idea to the next. Use linking words and phrases to improve the flow.
coherence cohesion
Some parts of your essay lack clarity and precision. Focus on refining your vocabulary and sentence structure to express your ideas more clearly.
introduction conclusion
Your introduction clearly states your position on the topic, providing a strong foundation for the essay.
logical structure
You have identified two distinct points to support your view, which helps in structuring your essay well.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

You are not ready for IELTS Speaking, if you

  • Can’t speak smoothly without pauses.
  • Use simple words and lack vocabulary.
  • Feel nervous and anxious when speaking.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • 1. Standard of health
  • 2. Average
  • 3. Lower
  • 4. Future
  • 5. Aging population
  • 6. Chronic diseases
  • 7. Sedentary lifestyle
  • 8. Lack of exercise
  • 9. Poor dietary habits
  • 10. Environmental pollution
  • 11. Technological advancements
  • 12. Impact on health
What to do next:
Look at other essays:

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!