IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Does Internet need to be controlled by the government?

#internet #government
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There are many
argues
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arguments
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 believe that the
Internet
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 does not require to be controlled by the
government
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. I think the
government
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 should control the
Internet
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 because too many
hackers
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 command mobile phones and other devices.
Moreover
Linking Words
, there are
people
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Use synonyms
post
Correct pronoun usage
who post
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 illegal videos.
Firstly
Linking Words
, many
hackers
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 try to
breakthrough
Correct your spelling
break through
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people
Change noun form
people's
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 devices to steal
information
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 about them e.g. bank
account
Fix the agreement mistake
accounts
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 and
information
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. The
government
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 will protect everybody from getting hacked and
stole
Wrong verb form
stealing
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 crucial
information
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. so many
people
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sue
Correct your spelling
use
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hackers
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.
As a result
Linking Words
, The
government
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 will arrest the
hackers
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 eventually there will be
less
Correct quantifier usage
fewer
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 hacking
crime
Fix the agreement mistake
crimes
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.
For instance
Linking Words
, in my country, application controlled by the
government
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 is used by citizens if they
got
Wrong verb form
get
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 hacked.
Additionally
Linking Words
, phenomenal illegal videos and pictures get
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post
Wrong verb form
posted
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 every day that
effect
Correct your spelling
affect
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on
Change preposition
apply
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innocent
people
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and
Correct word choice
apply
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who regret
from
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apply
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doing the illegal thing. Many innocent
people
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 in the documents
they
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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have not done anything. but, the person who
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post
Wrong verb form
posted
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 it
he
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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established it with
guilty
Add an article
a guilty
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 conscience about the innocent faces in the video or picture. Some guilty individuals after a
while
Linking Words
 get
regret
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regretful
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.
However
Linking Words
, they got exposed later the
government
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arrests
Wrong verb form
arrested
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 him. To illustrate, the
government
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 of Saudi Arabia has a
snapchat
Change the capitalization
Snapchat
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 account that
demonstrate
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demonstrates
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 the
people
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 who got arrested and
show
Correct subject-verb agreement
shows
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 the videos but the
government
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 hide their faces and
blur
Correct subject-verb agreement
blurs
show examples
 the video. In conclusion, I believe every country should control the
Internet
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 to help
people
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 from any
information
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 crime.
In addition
Linking Words
, many guilty
people
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post
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 what they have done.
Therefore
Linking Words
, the
government
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 control the
Internet
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 to protect the citizens from any bad
affect
Correct your spelling
effects
show examples
.
Submitted by Endo on

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coherence cohesion
Work on improving the logical structure of your arguments so that each point flows smoothly to the next and is well connected to the overall argument.
task achievement
Ensure all main points are fully developed and supported with strong, relevant examples. This will strengthen your task achievement score.
task achievement
Your essay provides a complete response to the question and covers multiple points of view.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are clear and effectively frame your argument.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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