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Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people say that music is a good way of bringing people of different cultures and ages together. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

#people #music #cultures #ages
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Nowadays, many
people
 hold the view that the best way to connect
people
 from various cultures and ages is
music
Change preposition
through music
show examples
.
And
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
I completely agree with
this
 statement,
Correct word choice
and
show examples
whereas
 in
this
 essay, I will explore some of the advantages of listening to
music
. Listening to
music
 has a lot of benefits for
people
 in diverse cultures. The most significant advantage is that
people
 can have more topics to talk about with different
people
,
which
Fix the agreement mistake
who
show examples
 have the same favourite songs or singers.
For example
, some of my friends like Taylor very much and once he met his best friend at Taylor's concert.
Although
 they came from different countries and had different beliefs, they still made a good friendship at
this
 concert. So
music
 can build a lot of Listening to different songs
also
 has benefits for audiences who are from different ages.
Firstly
, the same favourite kinds of
music
 can communicate more with
people
 of different ages of
people
, like grandparents and their children or strangers in the street.
Secondly
, listening to
music
 is beneficial to physical health,
such
 as reducing
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
stress
level
Fix the agreement mistake
levels
show examples
 or having a joyful mind all
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
day
while
 can make
people
 calm down and talk more friendly with others. In conclusion,
music
 is not only a good way to make friends with others but
also
 the best way to keep mental and physical health. I strongly believe that
music
 is essential to our daily life without it, our daily life will be very boring and
also
 without happiness.
Submitted by fiasngs on

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coherence cohesion
To improve your coherence and cohesion, ensure that each paragraph has a clear central idea that is directly related to your thesis. Additionally, use more transitional words and phrases to connect your ideas smoothly.
task achievement
In terms of task response, make sure that you comprehensively address both parts of the task. Specifically, you could add more examples and elaborate on the advantages of music in connecting different cultures and age groups.
task achievement
To make your essay more compelling, focus on developing your points with greater depth and clarity. This includes providing more specific examples and discussing them in detail.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction provides a clear thesis statement, which is good for guiding the rest of the essay.
coherence cohesion
You conclude with a strong summary of your main points, reinforcing your argument effectively.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • universal language
  • evoke
  • connect
  • diverse audiences
  • cultural exchange
  • generational gaps
  • shared experiences
  • unifying force
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