IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

One of the consequences of improved medical care is that people are living longer and life expenctancy is increasing. Do you think the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages?

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It has been witnessed during the past few decades a significant development in the medical sector.
Consequently
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, Population figures have shown that individuals are living longer than before.Personally, I definitely believe that the advantageous sides outweigh what others could consider as detrimental ones. To commence with, it is well known that
people
Use synonyms
 are found on earth to build it and to support each other.
Besides
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 that, Science should serve the existence of humans by improving their health conditions and finding treatments and vaccines to overcome any threatening disease. A clear example of
that is
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 what we have witnessed during the Covid 19 pandemic, nations were in a race to develop a cure to save
people
Use synonyms
 around the world.
On the other hand
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, some argue that the increase in individual numbers would lead to severe problems.
Whereas
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,
people
Use synonyms
 would be competing with each other for jobs and urban areas would
consequently
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 expand and threaten wildlife.
However
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, I opine that
such
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 minor pitfalls could be easily solved by science itself.
In other words
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,
Such
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 effects can be tackled by building high towers on and beneath the earth's surface. and the more
people
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 are living the more factories and production they need, so there would be more jobs available certainly.
To sum up
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, the aforementioned paragraphs clearly show the significance of the development of medicine and how the demerits are eclipsed by its merits.On top of that, human minds are able to come up with the ultimate and optimal effective solutions to extend their existence on
this
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 earth.

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task achievement
You provided a solid introduction and conclusion, which clearly address the topic. However, consider adding a more detailed thesis statement to fully establish your argument at the start.
coherence and cohesion
While the essay is coherent and logically structured, some transitions between ideas could be smoother to further enhance readability. Also, try to avoid repetitive sentence structures.
task achievement
Your essay provides a comprehensive response to the prompt by presenting both advantages and disadvantages, and ultimately arguing why the advantages outweigh the disadvantages.
coherence and cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are particularly strong and effectively frame your essay.
task achievement
Your use of relevant examples, such as the Covid-19 pandemic, strengthens your argument and shows a clear understanding of the topic.
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