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Band 3.5

Nowadays many young people are going to other countries for their future. What are the reasons for it? How it will be in 30 years?

#people #countries #future #years
It is believed by many youngsters
taht
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that
 travelling abroad
wil
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will
 create several opportunities in terms of work and health care.
On the other hand
, others argue that staying
staying
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apply
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in the country makes the citizen more
privilage
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privileged
 than foreigners, which is the most effective way to secure one's future.
To begin
 with, many adults are forced to leave their countries
due to
the
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apply
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economic circumstances and
the
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apply
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financial burdens.
For example
, the deficiency in employment in poor countries,
such
 as India and
Bangladish
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Bangladesh
, led to the increase
inn
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in
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 travelling demand.
Addind
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Adding
 to that, political issues and wars were the primary causes
to
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of
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 the rise in the average
refuge
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refugee
show examples
 rates in the past few years.
Moreover
, the. vast majority of individuals are convinced that studying and working abroad play a vital role in
devloping
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developing
 skills,
such
 as communication and adaptability skills.
As a result
,
the
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apply
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developed countries could experience overpopulation in the future as the number of both citizens and foreigners
are
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is
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 growing.
Furthermore
, governments would benefit when
rasing
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raising
show examples
the
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apply
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taxes, which in turn
impact
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impacts
show examples
the
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apply
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economic advancement. In
addtion
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addition
 to that, unfortunate people who were not capable
to afford
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of affording
show examples
 the travelling payments
,
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apply
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 would be stuck in the same spot not able to get into higher ranks.
To sum
up
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up,
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 everything that has been stated, there are various reasons that
ecouraged
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encouraged
encourage
 young people to take
this
 step.
Therefore
, travelling outside the country has significant
concequences
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consequences
 after some period of time.
Submitted by jenakhalil07 on

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grammar
Work on grammatical accuracy: There are several minor errors and more significant mistakes, such as 'addind to that' instead of 'adding to that' and 'inn' instead of 'in'. These errors can distract the reader and reduce clarity.
content
Develop and support main points further: While the essay addresses the topic and provides reasons for young people going abroad, the arguments could be elaborated more fully with additional specific details and examples.
cohesion
Refine coherence and cohesion: The ideas connect reasonably well, but the essay would benefit from more sophisticated linking phrases and a better-structured argument. For example, the transition between economic reasons and skill development could be smoother.
organization
Clear structure: The essay has a clear introduction, body paragraphs addressing various points, and a conclusion that summarizes the main ideas.
task
Relevance to the task: The essay stays on topic throughout and addresses both of the main questions regarding reasons for moving abroad and potential future consequences.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • migration
  • educational facilities
  • employment prospects
  • quality of life
  • political climates
  • cultural exposure
  • global networking
  • professional development
  • standard of living
  • healthcare system
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