IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

Doctors recommend that older people exercise regularly. However, many of them do not get enough exercise. What are the reasons? What can be done to encourage them to exercise more? Write at least 250 words.

#doctors #people #exercise
Nowadays,
sports
 have a good effect on
health
, especially for the elderly.
However
, some older
people
 do not have enough
time
 for
this
 activity. In my essay, I want to write to consider the reasons
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
 refusal and find options for
start
Wrong verb form
starting
show examples
 to go in for
sports
. Perhaps the elderly can not find
time
 for
sports
 because they sit with their grandchildren, parents do not have enough money for a babysitter, and not everyone can send their child to kindergarten either. Another reason is that these
people
 are lazy and
sports
 are not as exciting for them as anything else.
For example
, sitting on the couch and watching TV is more interesting than running in the morning. These reasons can be solved in several ways.
Firstly
, it is enough to talk to your children about the
health
 of their parents and give
time
 to allocate some
time
 for training, as
result
Correct article usage
a result
show examples
 it will give more useful progress for
them
Change the pronoun
their
show examples
health
.
In addition
, you can find a friend who will take you for a run. And on TV, you can broadcast social media for a healthy lifestyle, I think
this
 will help to promote
sports
 among lazy
people
.
To sum up
, we can say that
main
Replace the word
mainly
show examples
, sport is necessary for the
health
 of all
people
. It needs to be promoted in all the media and
as a
result
Add a comma
result,
show examples
 we will get healthy
people
 who will have fewer
health
 problems and live a long life.
Submitted by samedovateacher on

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task response
In your introduction, consider clearly stating the reasons that will be discussed in your essay. This will provide a roadmap for the reader.
coherence cohesion
Some sections of your essay could benefit from clearer topic sentences. For example, when you transition from discussing reasons to solutions, make sure your topic sentence clearly indicates this shift.
task response
Try to provide more detailed and specific examples. For instance, describe particular activities that are suitable for older adults or mention community programs that encourage exercise.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a logical structure, with clear sections for reasons and solutions.
coherence cohesion
The essay appropriately concludes by summarizing the importance of sports and suggesting media promotion as a solution.
task response
The essay provides relevant reasons for why older people might not exercise, such as looking after grandchildren and lack of interest.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • sedentary
  • sedentary lifestyle
  • motivation
  • physical limitations
  • lack of time
  • fear of injury
  • exercise facilities
  • misunderstanding
  • benefits of exercise
  • social support
  • poor health conditions
  • awareness
  • appropriate exercises
  • guidance
  • financial constraints
What to do next:
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