IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6.5

Many major cities are facing a housing crisis as they cannot provide enough land for new buildings. Some local governments believe the problem could be solved by reassigning park land for residential development, because this land would be better used for housing. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#cities #crisis #land #buildings #governments #park #development
As cities struggled to provide areas for the construction of residential complexes, an idea of utilising communal areas—which are allocated to facilities,
such
 as a park—has emerged. I strongly disagree with
this
 proposition because it
further
 induces overpopulation, and erodes the sense of community, which primarily emanates from communal
spaces
. One of the tendencies of a modern city centre is the lack of capacity. Municipal governments are overwhelmed by people who seek opportunities there, and accommodating those are increasingly difficult.
This
 is because the influx of new residents exceeds the capacity of transportation systems and other services.
For example
, the government of Tokyo is
funding
Correct your spelling
finding
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 people who are willing to move out
from
Change preposition
of
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 the district
due to
this
 facet.
Thus
, converting non-residential areas into even more accommodations can hinder the government from smoothly providing necessary public services.
Moreover
, it is worth stating that communal
spaces
,
such
 as parks and playgrounds, play a crucial role in maintaining a social order. People exchange information and establish mutual understanding in those
spaces
, and the incremental build-up of trust is paramount. The deficiency of the sense of community,
on the other hand
, can cause crimes and disorder. It is well-known that the lack of communal
bond
Fix the agreement mistake
bonds
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 contributes to the disorder. I firmly disagree with the allegation that communal areas should be exploited to build more housing amidst the lack of residential buildings.
This
 is because
this
 policy would negatively affect the ability of local governments to conduct their tasks, and removing shared
spaces
 is likely to damage the community.
Submitted by 20dm056e on

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task achievement
Your essay presents a clear stance on the issue and effectively argues against the proposition of reallocating park land for residential development. However, more specific examples or data could help to strengthen your argument further.
task achievement
Consider providing more detailed explanations or additional supporting points to reinforce your ideas. While your main points are clear, elaborating on them more comprehensively would improve the depth of your response.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay is well-organized and follows a logical structure. Each paragraph addresses a specific point related to your argument. However, try to ensure that every paragraph is evenly developed. The second body paragraph could benefit from more content to match the depth of the first.
coherence and cohesion
Ensure that you avoid minor grammatical errors and pay attention to sentence variety to enhance readability. Some sentences could be simplified for clarity.
coherence and cohesion
Your introduction effectively sets the stage for your argument, and the conclusion nicely wraps up the essay, reiterating your stance.
coherence and cohesion
You have a clear and consistent argument throughout the essay, and each body paragraph contributes to your overall point.
task achievement
The use of a real-world example, such as the Tokyo government’s policy, adds credibility to your argument.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • housing crisis
  • residential development
  • reassigning park land
  • green spaces
  • recreational activities
  • mental well-being
  • ecological balance
  • environmental consequences
  • supporting biodiversity
  • high-rise apartments
  • vacant lots
  • repurposing industrial areas
  • community opposition
  • social unrest
  • quality of life
  • urban planning
  • sustainable development
  • integrating green spaces
  • preservation
  • communal spaces
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