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Band 5.5

In many countries it is now illegal to advertise alcohol. Do you agree or disagree?

#countries #alcohol
Advertising wine, beer and spirits, is on these days against the law.
This
 essay totally agrees with that statement because of the health issues
to
Change preposition
in
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 society and how
alcohol
 could influence
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
people
 in a bad way. It is really known that the excess of alcoholic beverages could produce liver cancer, cirrhosis, and brain issues. Even though the amount of money that the government must spend
in
Change preposition
on
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 health programs or AA to reduce the
consumption
 of
alcohol
. With
this
 control over advertisements by law, the reduction of
alcohol
 comes true. Argentina is one of the countries that constantly tries to reduce commercials and signs to decrease the
consumption
 of beer among teenagers and young
people
.
Drink
Wrong verb form
Drinking
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alcohol
 greatly amount influences
people
 in a dramatically bad way, principally in groups of
people
 under the effects of
alcohol
 commit acts of violence and vandalism against private property with several consequences in the city’s economy.
For example
, in
Brazil
Add a comma
Brazil,
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 because
alcohol
consumption
 in spectacles is allowed, the acts of vandalism and violence against the police
due to
 the great number of
people
 drunk after soccer games are a big problem for the government. These acts must be reduced if publicities would be prohibited and
alcohol
consumption
 in public events as well. In conclusion, the prohibition of advertisements of alcoholic beverages by law
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 should reduce these negative effects on public health and the violence and crimes
due to
 drunk
people
. The control in commercials should help to have fewer alcoholic consumers and a better society.
Submitted by daniruspi on

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coherence cohesion
In your essay, ensure that each paragraph has a clear central idea. For example, your first paragraph should mainly discuss health consequences, and your second paragraph should focus on societal impacts. This will make your essay more focused and easier to follow.
task achievement
Make sure to support your points with detailed and specific examples. For instance, you could elaborate more on the example of Argentina by providing statistics or more context about the effectiveness of their advertising laws.
task achievement
Work on improving language accuracy and variety. While small inaccuracies won't significantly lower your score, minimizing them will make your message clearer and more professional.
coherence cohesion
Your conclusion effectively summarizes the key points of your essay.
task achievement
You have presented a clear position and maintained it throughout the essay, addressing the task adequately.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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