The average standard of people's health is likely to be lower in the future than it is now. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?
Many
people
have an opinion that as time is progressing
, the average standard of an individual's Wrong verb form
progresses
health
will deteriorate in comparison to what it is now. This
essay aims to substantiate this
assertion.
Despite the advancements in the medical field, we have observed that the proportion of unhealthy people
has significantly increased in the past decades. One of the most significant contributing factor
is Change to a plural noun
factors
Correct article usage
the sedantary
sedantary
lifestyle, which is becoming more popular Correct your spelling
sedentary
everyday
. Replace the word
every day
People
prefer to stay indoors and enjoy watching television, instead
of going out for a walk. Even children nowadays prefer to play videogames
, rather than going out and actually playing sports. A recent study was done, where a cohort of school students were asked, if they knew how to play football on their PlayStations, and in real life. It was surprising to note that most of them could play it virtually, but very few of them knew how to play football on a field. Correct your spelling
video games
This
study proves that people
have become extremely lazy, and consequently
suffer from severe health
problems, like obesity, artherosclerosis
, Correct your spelling
atherosclerosis
weaking
of eyesight and many more.
Another factor Correct your spelling
weakening
that is
contributing to the decrease in health
standards are
unhealthy eating habits and food trends. There is an increased popularity of fast and processed food, which leads to Change the verb form
is
people
not getting the required nutrition. Moreover
, its
not just Replace the word
it's
it is
the
fast food, but Correct article usage
apply
also
the
fruits and vegetables Correct article usage
apply
are
treated with chemicals, which undoubtedly decreases their nutritional value. In a recent survey, demographics showed that Correct pronoun usage
that are
majority
of the global population suffers from Correct article usage
the majority
atleast
one or two vitamin or mineral deficiencies. Lack of proper nutrition contributes Correct your spelling
at least
in
Change preposition
to
weakening
of our immune system, which makes our body Correct article usage
the weakening
suseptible
to various infections and diseases.
In conclusion, I completely agree that with time, the Correct your spelling
susceptible
health
standards of human
population will decrease because lack of physical Add an article
the human
excercise
and proper nutrition are the two basic fundamentals to attain a healthy body and mind.Correct your spelling
exercise
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grammar
Be mindful of minor spelling and grammatical errors (e.g., 'suffer from severe health problems, like obesity, artherosclerosis...' should be 'suffer from severe health problems like obesity, atherosclerosis...'). These can distract the reader.
argument
You presented a compelling argument, but it could benefit from slightly more varied examples or more data to further support your points. Consider elaborating on different aspects of health, such as mental health, in addition to physical health.
structure
While your essay includes a logical structure overall, using more transition words and phrases can help the text flow even better. Words like 'consequently,' 'similarly,' and 'furthermore' will smooth transitions between points.
structure
You have a clear introduction and conclusion that provide a solid framework for your essay, which is crucial for high coherence and cohesion scores.
task
Your essay effectively stays on topic and addresses the prompt comprehensively. You've done a good job explaining why you agree with the statement, making your argument easier to follow.
examples
You provided relevant and specific examples that enhance your arguments, making them more convincing. The anecdote about children and video games, for instance, was particularly illustrative.
Your opinion
Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.
If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.
Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.
Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:
...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?