IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

In some countries children take up paid jobs during the summer vacation. Some people feel that this amounts to child labour. Others argue that summer jobs help children learn valuable lessons. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#countries #children #jobs #summer #vacation #people #amounts #child #labour #lessons
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There have been ongoing debates regarding whether numerous nations tend to stimulate juveniles to take on
jobs
 during long vacations in order to learn life lessons and gain new experiences,
while
 some argue that
this
 is purposeless. Both points of view and the reason why I agree with the former argument will be elaborated on in
this
 essay.
To begin
 with, it might be sensible for some to claim that a part-time
job
 during the summer is unnecessary seeing that
children
 should have time to relax after a rigorous academic year. The research conducted by Oxford University compared students who had time to enjoy themselves with their friends to those who were required to take mandatory
jobs
. the study found that the intelligence of the former group was significantly higher than that of the latter.
Conversely
, in
this
 day and age,
children
's rights have become ubiquitous, causing a part-time
job
 to be non-obligatory in several countries, whether it be Japan or the US, where policies are in place to protect these rights.
Therefore
, whether or not
children
 take on a part-time
job
 depends on their individual needs. Some part-time
jobs
,
such
 as cooking, offer direct benefits by teaching skills that
be
Wrong verb form
are
show examples
 valuable in the long run. In my opinion, I strongly support the existence of part-time
jobs
 because they are not only essential for
children
 but
also
 beneficial for businesses in some countries. Take Australia,
for example
, part-time
jobs
 play a crucial role in the economy
due to
 inexpensive labour and short-term contracts. In conclusion, even though it is undeniable that
children
 should have free time to engage in activities they enjoy, the government should provide them with the option to take on a
job
 because I believe the advantages outweigh the detrimental outcomes in the long run.
Submitted by phumrapee33 on

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task response
Develop each argument with more detailed evidence and explanation to make your points stronger.
coherence and cohesion
Ensure your topic sentences clearly reflect the main idea of each paragraph to improve the flow of ideas.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion that effectively frame the discussion.
task achievement
You provided relevant examples to support your points.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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