IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

People who cause their own illnesses through unhealthy lifestyle and poor diets should have to pay more for health care. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

#people #illnesses #lifestyle #diets #health #care
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It is sometimes argued that individuals who become ill
due to
 unhealthy habits and bad diets have to undertake more
health
 care fees. I disagree with
this
 idea to a large extent. There are several reasons why I believe that
people
 do not need to pay more if they become ill because of their unhealthy habits in daily life. One of the reasons is that sometimes
people
 are in a situation with high pressure they can not choose, so they have to live with unhealthy lifestyles; engineers and students,
for example
, suffer a huge amount of stress from their bosses, parents or their own families, they need to work harder, stay up late to earn more or get good grades, which may cause some problems in
health
.
Furthermore
, in some countries,
due to
 the price of junk
food
,
such
 as hamburgers, fried chicken and cakes being lower than organic
food
, poor
people
 have to choose poor diets to save money which could cause fatness, heart disease and high pressure blood. Admittedly, some
people
 may argue that the illnesses caused by their bad living habits should take consequences by themselves. Simply because, if the public needs to pay more for healthcare, they will pay more attention to contributing to a healthy living system, stopping smoking and eating junk
food
,
for instance
, which could improve the public
health
 level.
However
, they forget the fact that there is a wide range of
people
 who have no choice but unhealthy schedules, like staying up late in order for more money or higher scores; and some
people
 who want to realise the stress caused by hard through smoking or eating junk
food
, it is hard for them to change living habit by rising the payment of
health
 care.
Overall
, I am certain that the government should not increase the cost of
health
 care for diseases caused by unhealthy liking,
although
 it has some advantages to improve public
health
.
Submitted by yihualuo525 on

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coherence
Ensure you maintain a consistent focus on the prompt throughout. Occasionally, the argument diverges slightly, particularly when discussing the reasons for unhealthy lifestyles. Try to relate these points back more explicitly to the central question about healthcare costs.
cohesion
Your essay could benefit from a clearer topic sentence at the beginning of each paragraph to signal the main idea. For example, your second body paragraph could begin with a more precise statement like, 'On the other hand, increasing costs could incentivize healthier lifestyles.'
task response
Strengthen your argument by including more specific examples and evidence. For instance, include statistical data or studies that support your points about the costs of junk food and high-stress jobs.
coherence
Your essay has a clear and logical structure with a well-defined introduction and conclusion. Each body paragraph introduces a point and elaborates on it, making the essay easy to follow.
cohesion
Your arguments are coherent and comprehensive, clearly explaining the reasons behind your stance. You also consider opposing viewpoints, which adds balance to your essay.
task response
You provide relevant examples that illustrate your points, such as mentioning engineers, students, and the cost of junk food. These examples make your essay more persuasive and relatable.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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