IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Many people in poor countries die from diseases that are curable because they cannot afford the medication required. Do you believe that drug companies should make their products available at reduced prices in these countries?

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In
this
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 day and age, the young generation in some nations prefer to be an apprentice rather than studying in the university. I am in
favor
Change the spelling
favour
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 of
this
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 trend because
this
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avails to
Verb problem
allows
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people
Use synonyms
 to pick up professional skills directly from the workplace and
also
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 they can have less financial burden by getting paid.
Firstly
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,
people
Use synonyms
 can learn faster as they are involved in the working surroundings.
For example
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, the best way to learn cookery is to work in a professional kitchen and see how experienced chefs deal with raw materials and cook ingredients.
Likewise
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, if
people
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 want to be automobile mechanics, the more they practice on a real vehicle, the more familiar they can be with the structure and parts of a car.
This
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 can help them to accumulate hands-on experiences and be ready for their profession in the future.
Secondly
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, it is a financially wise option to learn from work. Getting an
education
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 from working-based training is comparatively
cheap
Correct word choice
cheaper
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 than universities.
Besides
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,
people
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 get paid
while
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 they are in apprenticeship,
this
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 can be income for their living.
Moreover
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, they earn money after they accomplish the apprenticeship, they can utilize the money for
further
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education
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 or acquire a second speciality.
This
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 is not only economical but
also
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 affordable for
people
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 to pave their way for
education
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. Some
people
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 may argue that the
education
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 in the university is more thorough than working-based training.
Nonetheless
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, the majority of
people
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 still focus on one profession after they graduate from the university. In conclusion,
this
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 not only aids
people
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 to learn pragmatically but
also
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 somewhat relieves financial pressure for them. I reckon that
this
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 is a win-win situation for
people
Use synonyms
 who choose working-based training.

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task achievement
Your introduction is clear but could be more directly tied to the reasons you elaborate on in the essay. It would be beneficial to briefly mention the main points you will discuss to provide a clear roadmap for the reader.
task achievement
While your main points are relevant and well-articulated, it would be advantageous to further expand on and diversify your examples. This can lend more depth and credibility to your arguments.
coherence cohesion
Ensure your conclusion aligns closely with your main arguments presented in the body of the essay. You should summarize the key points more explicitly to reinforce your stance.
coherence cohesion
Include clear topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph to strengthen the logical structure and make it easier for the reader to follow your argument.
task achievement
Your use of specific examples, such as learning cookery in a professional kitchen and practicing as an automobile mechanic, bring clarity to your arguments and help in grounding them in real-world scenarios.
coherence cohesion
The essay is logically structured, with clear connections between paragraphs and ideas. This contributes to the overall readability and coherence of the piece.
task achievement
You effectively highlight the financial advantages of apprenticeships, making a strong case for their practicality and accessibility.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Pharmaceuticals
  • Generic drugs
  • Patent laws
  • Healthcare disparity
  • Subsidies
  • Non-Governmental Organizations (NGOs)
  • Intellectual property
  • Epidemiology
  • Affordability
  • Global health initiatives
  • Corporate social responsibility
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