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Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Now a days many people choose to be self employed, rather than to work for a company or an organisation. Why might this be the case? What could be the disadvantages of self employment

#people #self #work #company #organisation #be #case #employment
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These days, many folks choose to be self-employed, rather than to
work
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 for a firm or an organization.
while
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 it is a commonly held belief that
People
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 choose to
work
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 for themselves. There is an argument that opposes it. In my opinion. I consider that working for yourself is better but sometimes it could be disturbing
due to
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 many reasons
such
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 as finding the best niche for you to
work
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 on.
Firstly
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,
People
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 choose to be self-employed because Nowadays the managers In some companies want to be that dominating person because he is in charge.
In other words
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, despotic bosses will not going to have a good relationship with their staff.
In addition
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,
this
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 could be the cause why
people
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 are working as self-employed.
For example
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, in The story of "Michel and his boss" Michel was so annoying because his boss was using him as a negotiation tool so Michel decided to leave and
work
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 for himself.
Secondly
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,
people
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 these days prefer to start their own businesses because the universe encourages you and
also
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 provides you with the necessary equipment.
Moreover
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, there is a lot of money from working alone some fields could be profitable.
For instance
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, the founders of Apple and Samsung companies were broke and all of a sudden, They became rich and famous persons. In conclusion, despite
people
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 having different views about
this
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 topic, I believe that if you
work
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 hard on yourself you will accomplish,
additionally
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, life is one time so make the most of it.
Submitted by fnokgamer11 on

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grammar
Try to avoid small grammatical errors, such as run-on sentences or subject-verb agreement issues. For instance, the sentence 'Michel was so annoying because his boss was using him as a negotiation tool...' should be rephrased to 'Michel was so annoyed because his boss was using him as a negotiation tool...'.
task achievement
Provide more specific examples and data to support your points. Instead of generalizations, include quantifiable evidence where possible.
coherence and cohesion
Improve transitions between points. Better connectors can help make the essay feel more cohesive. For example, start the second body paragraph with 'Additionally' or 'Furthermore' instead of 'Secondly'.
coherence and cohesion
The conclusion was strong and summarized your thoughts well.
task achievement
You have made a valid point about the despotic nature of some bosses driving people towards self-employment. This is a solid reasoning point.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which helps the reader follow your argument more easily.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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