IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6

Some museum charge entry fees while others have free entry. Do you think the advantages of charging an entry fee outweight the disadvantages? Give reasons for your answer and include relevant examples from your own knowledge or experiences.

#museum #charge #entry #fees #fee #outweight #experiences
These days, global lifestyles are so different from the past;
however
, more people like to
visit
 a range of various
museums
.
In addition
, we can see some of them are free;
in contrast
 to others.
while
 paying for
museums
 has a number of demerits, I still believe that cannot overshadow the merits. On the one hand, spending
money
 on visiting
museums
 has several benefits.
Firstly
, when populations have been buying
places'
Change noun form
places
show examples
 tickets, manager of these buildings are able to improve not only their facilities but
also
 rebuild structures.
For instance
, you want to
visit
 a jewellery museum and you should pay for it owing to the fact that with
this
money
 they enhance the security of it to avoid robbery.
Secondly
, historical palaces need so much
money
 to protect them;
moreover
, governments can provide a section of it;
as a result
,
this
 cost helps authorities to save these buildings; in fact, with these
works
Add a comma
works,
show examples
 we save our culture.
On the other hand
, the demerits of entry fees are varied. On the one side, visitors who go to
museums
 to pay costs think that they are spending
money
 for them;
therefore
, they can do every work that they like
such
 as
injure
Wrong verb form
injuring
show examples
 ancient things. To illustrate, tourists who
visit
 Takhte Gamsih, which is the Hakhamneshian capital city, have been writing their names, and so on on the historic stones. On the other side, communities
who
Correct pronoun usage
that
show examples
 are under the poverty line and like history, science and so forth cannot see these places and improve their knowledge.
To sum up
, It is crucial that the whole of international citizens do not have access to
visit
museums
 that need
money
 ;
nevertheless
, in my opinion, the good points of
this
 way can eclipse the bad points inasmuch as protecting these places needs
money
.
Submitted by maryamkazemi968 on

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task achievement
Your essay addresses the task effectively, but make sure to clarify your points and avoid any vague language. For instance, specify what types of facilities or structures could be improved. Also, make your examples more specific and relatable.
coherence cohesion
Improve the logical flow of your essay by using more linking words and making your argumentation clearer. At times, the transitions between ideas can be abrupt. Try to make the connection between points smoother.
coherence cohesion
Your essay structure is clear with a definite introduction and conclusion. The arguments are logically divided into paragraphs, which helps in understanding the flow of your thoughts easily.
task achievement
You provided relevant points and examples to substantiate your arguments. The example about enhancing security in a jewelry museum was particularly illustrative.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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