IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

Some people think most crimes are the result of circumstances like poverty and other social problems. Others believe that they are caused by people who are bad by nature.

#people #crimes #circumstances #poverty #nature
It is argued that
whether
Correct word choice
apply
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crimes were forced by social
situation
Fix the agreement mistake
situations
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 or
people
 just borne to be bad. In my
points
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point
show examples
 of view, the social circumstance would be the major cause for a person to be a criminal. On the one hand, evidence
suggest
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suggests
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 that
the
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apply
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social prosperity is significantly correlated to
crime
Add an article
the crime
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 rate. In undeveloped regions,
people
 tended to suffer from,
for example
, low social welfare and inaccessibility to healthcare service
resource
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resources
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.
Moreover
, lack of education resources would lead to less
competitive
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competition
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 in
job
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the job
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 market and
elevated
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an elevated
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 unemploy rate. In that case,
people
 would not be able to secure their basic needs, they are despaired and increasingly vulnerable to
break
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breaking
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 the laws for living.
On the other hand
, it is indeed that some
people
chose
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choose
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 to be
a
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apply
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criminal
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criminals
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 because
their
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of their
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 evil
personality
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personalities
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, like those who break the law just for fun.
However
, psychologically speaking nobody
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
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borne
Correct your spelling
born
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 to be bad. The character of a person is shaped by their past experience and living environment.
For instance
, childhood abuse may twist a
kids’
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kid’s
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 personality and
making
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make
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 them easily
to
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apply
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feel insecure even
though
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apply
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after they grown up. In extreme
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circumstances
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circumstance
Add a comma
circumstance,
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 they are commonly to have violent
behaviors
Change the spelling
behaviours
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, in order to make themselves feel safe.
Therefore
, I tend to believe
people
 who commit
crime
Fix the agreement mistake
crimes
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 are essentially a result of the circumstances they were in. To reduce the crime rate it is imperative to secure local education,
welfare
Correct word choice
and welfare
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,
as well as
building
Wrong verb form
build
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 a loving environment for children.
Submitted by kejian_shi on

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task response
Ensure to proofread your essay to correct grammatical errors and awkward phrasing. For instance, 'people just borne to be bad' should be 'people are just born bad.'
coherence and cohesion
Structure your arguments more clearly. It can be helpful to explicitly state your arguments at the beginning of each paragraph and then support them with examples and explanations.
task response
Aim to use a wider range of vocabulary and sentence structures to enhance your essay. This will make your arguments more compelling and engaging.
task response
Provide more relevant and specific examples to support your points. This can greatly strengthen your argument and provide clear evidence for your claims.
task response
Your essay presents a clear stance on the issue and provides a thoughtful argument supporting your perspective.
coherence and cohesion
Both the introduction and conclusion are present, which helps in framing the essay's central argument effectively.
coherence and cohesion
The essay is logically structured and flows well, making it easy to follow your line of reasoning.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • socio-economic circumstances
  • poverty
  • lack of education
  • unemployment
  • illegal activities
  • desperation
  • social issues
  • exposure to violence
  • family structures
  • inherent
  • personality traits
  • lack of empathy
  • aggression
  • predilection for risk-taking
  • affluent backgrounds
What to do next:
Look at other essays: