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Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

Some people think the increasing business and cultural contact between countries brings many positive effects. Others say that it causes the loss of national identities.

#people #business #contact #countries #effects #loss #identities
With the
filed
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field
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 development in
communication
, transport.
Oversea
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Overseas
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 business and cultural
contract
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contracts
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has
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have
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 expanded dramatically in
last
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the last
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 centuries. It is believed that increasing
contact
 of business and
cultural
Replace the word
culture
show examples
 around the world has post positive impacts.
In
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On
show examples
contrary
Correct article usage
the contrary
show examples
, some
people
 were concerned about
loss
Add an article
the loss
a loss
show examples
 of local
cultural
Replace the word
culture
show examples
 during
this
 process.
However
, I
believed
Wrong verb form
believe
show examples
 the benefit of increasing international trade and cultural exchange would outweigh its
drawback
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drawbacks
show examples
.
In
Change preposition
On
show examples
 the one hand,
development
Correct article usage
the development
show examples
 of international
communication
 has immense benefits
to
Change preposition
for
show examples
 almost every
regions
Change to a singular noun
region
show examples
. The exchange of
goods
have
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has
show examples
contribute
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contributed
show examples
 to
growth
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the growth
show examples
 of
world’s
Correct article usage
the world’s
show examples
economic
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economy
show examples
. From end-to-end who sell and buy the
goods
, increasing business
also
create
Correct subject-verb agreement
creates
show examples
 substantial job opportunities.
For instance
,
scale
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the scale
show examples
 of
shipping
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the shipping
show examples
industrials
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industry
show examples
had
Wrong verb form
has
show examples
 expanded
hundreds
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hundreds of
show examples
 times since the begin of
last
Correct article usage
the last
show examples
 century. Meanwhile, the
contact
 of various
culture
Fix the agreement mistake
cultures
show examples
 could have
boarden
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broaden
boarded
people
’s visions. Integration of
culture
 could significantly
stimulated
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stimulate
show examples
 the innovation of human
being
Fix the agreement mistake
beings
show examples
. Collaboration between
people
 from different
culture
Fix the agreement mistake
cultures
show examples
 may integrate novel creation of solutions and approaches to address world problems.
In
Change preposition
On
show examples
 the other hand, overdependence on outcoming
goods
 or
culture
 could have
weaken
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weakened
show examples
 the sense of national identity, especially for underdeveloped regions.
Although
Such
 kind of international
communication
 may contribute to national development,
people
 may
thought
Change the verb form
think
show examples
 incoming
goods
 and
culture
were
Verb problem
are more
show examples
 advanced than their own.
For instance
,
although
 the
applied
Replace the word
application
show examples
 of foreign language in some Southeast Asian countries may improve international
communication
 but may
has
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have
show examples
also
led
Wrong verb form
lead
show examples
 to
culture
Replace the word
cultural
show examples
 homogenisation. Where traditional
cultural
Replace the word
cultures
show examples
 were tagged
unadvanced
Change preposition
as unadvanced
show examples
across
Change preposition
by
show examples
 children and young
adult
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adults
show examples
 and
Correct pronoun usage
they loss
show examples
loss
Replace the word
lost
show examples
 their interest in their own
culture
due to
lack
Correct article usage
a lack
show examples
 of identity. Undoubtedly, increasing
contact
 in
culture
 and trade is an inevitable process.
People
 should
considering
Change the verb form
consider
be considering
show examples
 the
trade off
Add a hyphen
trade-off
show examples
 and strike a balance between
import
Wrong verb form
importing
show examples
goods
 and supporting their own’s.
Moreover
,
although
 integrating foreign
culture
Fix the agreement mistake
cultures
show examples
 may stimulate creativity, they should
also
 appreciate their national identity. In
this
 way only, when the
contact
 of
Correct article usage
the world’s
show examples
world’s
Change the noun form
worlds
world
show examples
 would be beneficial to all nations.
Submitted by kejian_shi on

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grammar
Focus on improving grammar and sentence structure. For example, 'With the filed development' should be 'With the rapid development' and 'post positive impacts' should be 'has positive impacts'.
vocabulary
Use more specific and varied vocabulary to make the essay more engaging. For example, instead of 'people’s visions', consider 'people's perspectives'.
development
Ensure that each paragraph has a clear main idea and that your examples strongly support your points. For instance, you might want to give a more specific example of how cultural integration leads to innovation.
content
The essay addresses both the positive and negative aspects of increasing international business and cultural contact, showing a balanced perspective.
structure
The structure of the essay is logical, and the introduction and conclusion effectively frame the argument.
task response
The topic is thoroughly addressed and demonstrates a thoughtful consideration of the issue.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • globalization
  • cultural exchange
  • economic growth
  • cultural homogenization
  • national identity
  • cultural diversity
  • international trade
  • investment opportunities
  • tolerance
  • cultural preservation
  • traditional values
  • global influence
  • cultural dilution
What to do next:
Look at other essays: