IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

Some people believe that success is earning money. Others believe that success is defined by personal happiness. Discuss both sides and give your own opino

#people #success #money #happiness #opino
Some
people
 think that
success
 can be defined
with
Change preposition
as
show examples
 earning
money
.
While
 others think that
success
 is more like personal
happiness
. Absolutely, everyone has their own definitions to describe what is
success
 for them. Both sides will
be discuss
Change the verb form
be discussed
show examples
 below to decide a conclusion. To start, for some
people
, collecting
money
 is the best way to achieve
happiness
 in life. By earning
money
, they can buy their needs and wants or even use it for unexpected conditions.
For example
, my friend got
injury
Replace the word
injured
show examples
 when he played soccer. After that, he
must did
Verb problem
had
show examples
 an operation and because his family
have saving
Wrong verb form
had saved
show examples
money
 for him, so there
is
Wrong verb form
was
show examples
 no serious problem with
financial
Replace the word
the finances
show examples
for
Change preposition
of
show examples
 his medication. But,
this
 point of view can make
people
 think that
money
 is
important
Correct quantifier usage
more important
show examples
over
Change preposition
than
show examples
 anything.
On the other hand
,
people
 who
defined
Wrong verb form
define
show examples
success
 as personal
happiness
 are too abstract. Personal
happiness
 can be a work that they like, family and friends whom they have, or
live
Wrong verb form
living
show examples
 in peaceful situations
such
 as in
countryside
Add an article
the countryside
show examples
. To illustrate, my aunty
live
Change the verb form
lives
show examples
 with her pension
money
. After she
got retirement
Wrong verb form
retired
show examples
, she chose to live in our countryside far from big cities. She feels
enjoy
Wrong verb form
enjoyed
show examples
due to
 there is no work pressure. She said,
this
 is
kind
Correct article usage
the kind
show examples
 of life that she was always looking for. Indeed,
people
 can be happy in their own way. As
first
Change the article
the first
show examples
paragaph
Correct your spelling
paragraph
 explained, everyone can decide how they value the definition of
success
. Of course,
people
 can
get
Verb problem
achieve
show examples
success
 with or without
money
. After considering both sides, I prefer to opinion that said
success
 is more to personal
happiness
,
Submitted by wishmeluck  on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Ensure your introduction clearly states what you will be discussing and provide a concise conclusion that reflects on both sides of the argument.
task achievement
Avoid grammatical inaccuracies and make sure each sentence is clear and precise. This will help in conveying your ideas more effectively.
coherence cohesion
Maintain a logical structure throughout your paragraphs. Ensure each paragraph transitions smoothly to the next with the help of linking words or phrases.
coherence cohesion
Integrate supporting main points seamlessly into your argument. This can help in making your essay more cohesive and coherent.
task achievement
The essay uses relevant specific examples to support the main points, enhancing the reader's understanding.
coherence cohesion
A conclusion is present which attempts to summarize the discussion and state a personal preference.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Ultimate Speaking practice for IELTS

Practice speaking step by step, answer real-life questions, and build your confidence. Start your free trial and improve your speaking skills today!
Topic Vocabulary:
  • Financial stability
  • Quality of life
  • Societal respect
  • Fulfillment
  • Mental well-being
  • Emotional well-being
  • Personal happiness
  • Strong relationships
  • Pursuing passions
  • Balanced life
  • Meaningful experiences
  • Holistic sense of accomplishment
  • Cultural perspectives
  • Communal well-being
  • Individual achievements
What to do next:
Look at other essays:

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!