IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 3.5

Some people argue that technological inventions, such as mobile phones, are making people socially less interactive. Do you agree or disagree?

#people #inventions #phones
To begin
 with, there are many reasons to be
socially
Add an article
a socially
the socially
show examples
 active person through mobile phones.
Firstly
,
people
 can stay connected with society via social media platforms like Facebook, WhatsApp or Instagram. These can
also
 give
an
Remove the article
apply
show examples
access
of
Change preposition
to
show examples
 daily news to stay updated
everyday
Replace the word
every day
show examples
.
For example
, The Kolkata Rape and Murder case was protested through
this
 platform and everyone raised their voice
via
Change preposition
by
show examples
 uploading justice
post
Fix the agreement mistake
posts
show examples
 on their Instagram channel in India.
People
,
therefore
, become
part
 of a community when they use mobile
phone
Fix the agreement mistake
phones
show examples
.
Secondly
, there are online social activities
such
 as quiz
competition
Fix the agreement mistake
competitions
show examples
, which anyone can join and become
part
 of a society.
Furthermore
, individuals can make new
connection
Fix the agreement mistake
connections
show examples
 globally, which is not possible without mobile phones.
For instance
, even though we do not meet
people
everyday
Replace the word
every day
show examples
, it is possible to be a
part
 of
group
Add an article
a group
the group
show examples
 of
people
 who share
same
Correct article usage
the same
show examples
 ideas from other countries
while
 using messages or calls.
People
 can
also
 organize online
meeting
Fix the agreement mistake
meetings
show examples
 with
number
Change the article
a number
the number
show examples
 of
people
 to talk about improvement in
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
society.
However
,
people
 do not have to go out and be a
part
 of community
programme
Fix the agreement mistake
programmes
show examples
 to become
socially
Add an article
a socially
show examples
 active person.
Consequently
, mobile phones are convenient and comfortable as anyone can use
it
Correct pronoun usage
them
show examples
 anywhere
according to
 their time schedule.
Submitted by parmarheena277254 on

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introduction conclusion
Include a clear introduction and conclusion to frame your essay. Offering a concise thesis statement upfront sets the tone and clarifies your stance for the reader.
logical structure
While your points are logically structured, aim to enhance the coherence by using varied linking words and phrases. This will make your transitions smoother.
supported main points
Ensure that each main point is supported comprehensively with relevant examples. Expanding on the provided examples will strengthen your arguments.
relevant specific examples
The essay presents specific examples, like the Kolkata case, which greatly support the argument.
complete response
The essay addresses the task and presents relevant ideas that demonstrate a clear standpoint on the topic.
clear comprehensive ideas
The main points are clearly communicated and easy to follow. This demonstrates a good level of idea organization.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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