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Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Some people think that a sense of competition in children should be encouraged. Others believe that children who are taught to cooperate rather than compete become more useful adults. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

#people #sense #competition #children #adults
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While
 some
people
 believe that competition can help
children
 strive in their adult lives,
others
 think that it is better to teach them how to cooperate with
others
.
Although
 competition may lead to the preparation for
children
’s
future
work
 because it embeds employable
skills
 in them, I think the ability to collaborate effectively with
others
 would be more important because workers need teamwork
skills
 in order to attain their goals. On the one hand, some
people
 believe that it is a good practice that
children
 are frequently placed in competitions since it can help them build a number of employable traits, which will be needed for their
future
 careers. Leadership and problem-solving
skills
 are the two most desirable features that companies are looking for in their prospective employees.
For instance
, in the UK, a majority of job advertisements for management positions specifically mention these two
skills
,
along with
 the qualification and
work
 experience, as preferred features in job applicants.
However
, I think forcing teenagers to compete just to prepare them for the
future
 would in turn prevent them from being able to establish lifelong friendships with their peers.
On the other hand
, it is argued that rather than competing all the time, it is imperative to teach adolescents how to
work
 as a team because teamwork will be extremely useful when they become adults. Contradicted to leadership and problem-solving
skills
, teamwork is considered crucial, particularly in the kinds of jobs that require the involvement of a group of
people
.
For instance
, event planning businesses need at least five
people
 to execute tasks,
such
 as floral arrangement, stage set-up, guest list mapping, catering services and more.
Hence
, I think it is necessary that
children
 are taught to cooperate and
work
 in a team in order for them to be able to transform into productive adults for society in the
future
. In conclusion,
while
 some believe that competition is necessary to teach
children
 about
future
 jobs, I think it is imperative that they are equipped with traits that allow them to cooperate with
others
 so as to function efficiently in their societies.
Submitted by emteeme on

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supported main points
Ensure all points are expanded slightly more for added depth (e.g., more about the impacts of fostering competition on social skills).
logical structure
Link the conclusion more explicitly to main points in the body (e.g., summarising a bit more on the teamwork aspect mentioned).
introduction conclusion present
The introduction and conclusion clearly present the main argument.
complete response
The essay is comprehensive and adequately responds to the prompt with relevant examples.
clear comprehensive ideas
The ideas are expressed clearly with good logical flow and cohesion throughout the essay.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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