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Band 4.5

Many people think that sports stars are paid too much money, while others believe they deserve their high salaries. Discuss both views and give your own opinion

#people #sports #stars #money #salaries
Although
Correct word choice
However
show examples
, some people reckon that
sports
stars
 earn too much money for their
work
. I agree with society groups who believe they deserve high salaries, for most of the young
sportsmen
 have a curiosity about their financial fluency, and they
work
 hard to achieve
this
. On the one hand,
sports
stars
 might not be worthy of a high
salary
 as they do not
work
 much. It is easy to say that
sports
stars
 do not
work
 much because we only see them during games or events, which are typically a few hours long.
However
,
this
 view ignores all the efforts that are taken
while
 training for these matches.
On the other hand
,
sportsmen
 may not have an income after their career pass
whereas
 they are not capable of working in other fields.
In addition
, many
sportsmen
 spend their time mostly on preparing to be fit for upcoming competitions. Nowadays, money plays a big role in everything.
Therefore
,
sports
stars
 should be paid
much
Fix the agreement mistake
a higher
show examples
salary
 because their affluence incentivizes growing
sportsmen
.
For example
, if
sports
stars
 do not earn a high
salary
, people might deem
sport
Fix the agreement mistake
sports
show examples
 not necessary.
Finally
, in my opinion,
sports
stars
 should be paid a high
salary
. In conclusion, people might think
sportsmen
 do not
work
 much to
be deserved
Wrong verb form
deserve
show examples
for
Change preposition
apply
show examples
a high wage,
while
 others believe their high
salary
 will affect on curiosity of other young
sportsmen
, and I think they should be paid
much
Correct quantifier usage
apply
show examples
money for their
endeavour
Fix the agreement mistake
endeavours
show examples
while
 training.
Submitted by writingiletschecker on

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task achievement
The task response is generally good with a clear position presented. However, it can be improved by providing more specific examples to support your points, making your argument stronger and more convincing.
coherence cohesion
Coherence and cohesion are maintained throughout the essay, but some ideas could be more logically structured. Try to organize your points in a clearer manner to avoid confusion. For example, grouping related ideas together and using clear topic sentences for each paragraph.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which helps in understanding your position on the topic.
task achievement
You have addressed both views and given your own opinion, which is a key requirement in discussing both sides of the argument.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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