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Band 4.5

Some people think the developments involving the Internet have brought people closer together while others think that people And communities have become more isolated. dicuss both the views and give your opinion.

#people #developments #internet #communities #dicuss
It is often argued that
people
 who
use
 the Internet become more isolated. But, there are many
people
say
Correct pronoun usage
who say
show examples
 that the Internet
let
Correct subject-verb agreement
lets
show examples
 them close to each other. I think that it is really necessary to have a social life. In
this
 essay, I will discuss both views.
First,
people
 who think that the Internet
let
Verb problem
makes
show examples
people
 more isolated have their own reasons.
For example
, they spend a lot of
time
 using
Correct pronoun usage
their phone
show examples
phone
Fix the agreement mistake
phones
show examples
, I know somebody who
use
Correct subject-verb agreement
uses
show examples
 their
phone
 for 12 hours a day, and the result is, he
become
Change the verb form
becomes
show examples
more
Correct article usage
a more
show examples
 isolated person he
do
Change the verb form
does
show examples
 not love to go outside or
playing
Wrong verb form
play
show examples
 in the garden like the other guys again.
In addition
, it is bad for
health
Correct pronoun usage
your health
show examples
 if you
stayed
Verb problem
spend
show examples
 a long
time
 using
phone
Correct article usage
a phone
show examples
, so, there
is
Change the verb form
are
show examples
 no benefits
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
 using
phone
Add an article
the phone
a phone
show examples
 for
long
Change the article
a long
show examples
time
 it will make you more
isolate
Wrong verb form
isolated
show examples
 and lonely person. On the other side. there are many
people
do
Correct pronoun usage
who do
show examples
 not
use
 their
phone
Fix the agreement mistake
phones
show examples
 a lot of
time
, they like to hang out with their friends,
also
, they like to
exercising
Change the verb
exercise
show examples
 and play football,
hopefully
Add the comma(s)
hopefully,
show examples
 that I am not using my
phone
 too much, I just check if my parents called me
then
 I lock it up, so, because of that I have more close to
people
. In conclusion. In my point of view, I think that there
is
Change the verb form
are
show examples
people
use
Correct pronoun usage
who use
show examples
Correct pronoun usage
their phone
show examples
phone
Fix the agreement mistake
phones
show examples
 for a long
time
in
Change preposition
during
show examples
 the day but they have
social
Add an article
a social
show examples
 life, it really depends on the person.
Furthermore
, you need to control yourself in using
phone
Correct pronoun usage
your phone
show examples
. Both views have their advantages and disadvantages.
Submitted by bcynfn159 on

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grammar
Work on improving grammar and sentence structure. There are several grammatical errors and awkward sentences that make the essay difficult to read in places. For example, 'he do not love to go outside' should be 'he does not love to go outside.'
coherence
Improve coherence by ensuring ideas flow logically. Right now, the essay jumps between points without smooth transitions. Using linking phrases and organizing your points logically would help.
examples
You attempt to provide examples to support your points, which is good for explaining your reasoning.
task
You fully address the task by discussing both views and providing your opinion.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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