In some cultures, children are often told that they can achieve anything if they try hard enough. What are the advantages and disadvantages of giving children this message?
Usually,
children
have some goals to achieve something. Some children
have advised that hardworking
is the key to success. These thoughts Correct word choice
hard work
make
different Verb problem
have
impact
on Fix the agreement mistake
impacts
children
. Whether positive or negative, although
these
Fix the agreement mistake
this
advices
Change the wording
advice
pieces of advice
bits of advice
give
some drawbacks, I believe advantages are more than disadvantages, and I will discuss Verb problem
has
about
these in Remove the preposition
apply
this
essay.
One of the significant advantages of hard work
is that escalating the goal to achieve. In other words
, if hard work
is done that enable
Correct subject-verb agreement
enables
to
achieve Correct pronoun usage
one to
the
things easily, Correct article usage
apply
for instance
, exercise, strict
Correct article usage
a strict
full
diet, and maintaining body shape Correct word choice
apply
is
required to participate in athletic games. Correct subject-verb agreement
are
Due to
that, players must be do
many sacrifices and hard Change the verb form
be doing
be done
work
which helps
to Correct subject-verb agreement
help
arriving
Change the verb
arrive
their
aimed goal.
Change preposition
at their
On the other hand
, the prompt drawback children
may lead into
mental illness Change preposition
to
due to
higher of
stress Change preposition
apply
level
. If Fix the agreement mistake
levels
children
assume when
doing hard Correct word choice
that
work
that enough to get good
score, they may go Add an article
a good
several
extra classes for each Change preposition
to several
subjects
. Change to a singular noun
subject
Due to
that, they will tired and not able to get better score
. Fix the agreement mistake
scores
For instance
, in my country, many of the children
are
go to more than 10 classes for every subject. Research shows Unnecessary verb
apply
in
toddlers have affected by stress Change preposition
that
due to
their private classes in my country.
To conclude
, even though hard working
is the key factor to achieve some things higher, I believe Replace the word
work
that is
not only enough to achieve more. Children
need relaxing time also
otherwise
that leads various
health issues.Change preposition
to various
Submitted by jivenica1998 on
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task achievement
Structure your introduction more clearly by presenting the topic and your thesis statement concisely.
task achievement
Provide specific examples that illustrate the advantages and disadvantages more vividly. Examples should be more detailed and contextual.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph follows a logical order and connects well with the next. Use transitional phrases to guide your readers through your points.
coherence cohesion
Improve sentence structure and eliminate errors in grammar and punctuation to enhance readability.
task achievement
The essay addresses both the advantages and disadvantages of the topic, providing a balanced perspective.
coherence cohesion
The author makes an effort to present main points and support them with examples.
Word Count
IELTS says that you should write a minimum of 250 words in writing task 2. If you go under word count you will lose marks in task response.
A very long essay will not give you a higher band score.
Aim for between 260 to 290 words in writing task 2. This will ensure a concise essay and will be realistic in terms of time management. You have only 40 minutes to write the essay and you need around 10 minutes of planning time, so you will not be able to write a long essay in 30 minutes.
Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+
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